Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus...

"DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.'
Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?"

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ATTN: VIRGINIA O'HANLON.
115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET.

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood."

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Eight-year-old Virginia O'Hanlon wrote a letter to the editor of New York's Sun, and the quick response was printed as an unsigned editorial Sept. 21, 1897. The work of veteran newsman Francis Pharcellus Church has since become history's most reprinted newspaper editorial, appearing in part or whole in dozens of languages in books, movies, and other editorials, and on posters and stamps.

Happy Holidays!
Just Believe!

My Cup is Empty-Can You Help Me Out?

Pathological Relationship Series-Part 3
(This article is part one of a series of articles I am writing for The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education on the traits and characteristics that women posses who find themselves in relationships with pathological men. If you believe that you are in a dangerous relationship or would like to read more about the issue, please visit http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/)


Pathological relationships might begin with the Attraction Cocktail of excitement-seeking, extraversion and competiveness but soon it evolves to something more…it requires something more to feed it. What a pathological relationship must have is Cooperation, Helpfulness and Compassion. I am sure you are thinking that these are not really the things that you might think of when you think of pathology but that makes it all the more needed. Keep in mind that a pathological's "cup" is empty…they lack a sense of cooperation, helpfulness and compassion. So, in order to fill their needs they MUST find someone who possesses these traits.

It is important to understand the mask that a pathological wears. They exist in two distinct ways…the outside perception that they present and the dark, empty underside of who they are. As they move through life they learn to compensate for their deficiencies. One way to compensate is through using what others have and presenting it as their own. One of the traits that they often cling to is cooperation. They need you to be cooperative. They need you to play along. They are running a scam….and without your cooperation it just won't work. Herein lies the risk: You are optimistic, and supportive; you are willing to go the extra mile to make things work and if there is a "problem" you are part of the "fix-it" team. Make no doubt about it - you go along with the program. It's true…the program that is presented is pretty darn convincing…but still, it's your high degree of cooperation that allows you to be the perfect partner for pathology. In our brain, a cooperative mind means that we will stay stuck in the deceit. We will continue to participate in the “he’s good/he’s bad” scenario. As long as we stay there…we cannot get out. The good news is that once you listen to the facts and make a decision about what you are experiencing…it is hard to keep playing. This is the beginning of the end of the relationship. Herein lies the benefit: Just as quickly and as committed as you are to cooperate you will be out…just as fast. You are no sucker. Because of who you are there will be no looking back once you see his two sides…once you know that you are dealing with someone who is pathological. Acknowledging this…deeply and honestly acknowledging this… makes all the difference for you. Making the decision to leave and get out is one thing…getting the intrusive thoughts to stop is another. As a result of his mask-his presentation of two sides- you will continue to struggle with questioning yourself and what you experienced. Your cooperative mind will want to go along with the program when your “fact finding” mind will tell you something completely different. The benefit here is that you have the choice to cooperate-to cooperate with the facts. If you can lean on those around you (who are probably telling you he is no good, he’s dangerous, he’s all wrong for you) and the facts as they are presented (he lied to you, stole from you, manipulated you); you will have a much better chance at emotional healing…healing that will last long after you have had no contact.

The next trait that a pathological relationship requires is helpfulness. This goes hand in hand with cooperation. You are one helpful person. A pathological needs that too. He needs to know that you will do what you need to do to get the job done. He also needs to know that you will stand next to him when times get tough. See, the program he's running is one big con…so sometimes others challenge him. These challenges can be direct or indirect…the can come from family (yours or his), from co-workers, from friends or acquaintances. No matter the direction, he needs to know that you will be there beside him…to stand up for him. You, after all, are just trying to help. He plays the victim and you the rescuer. It is one of the dynamics that keeps you locked in. Herein lies the risk: you are eager and willing to get the job done…be the person to provide assistance and guidance. You want to make things right…set things strait. He needs a person who will make his mask seem true…someone to vouch for him. Sometimes, you are the person who helps seal the deal…make his con appear real. How could he be lying about who he is with you on his arm? Herein lies the benefit: You are not going to help someone con others. The gig will be up when you really see him for who he is. You can then use your helpfulness to make sure no one else gets hurt. In turn, you are helping yourself. You are the kind of person who will be just as strong in aligning against him as you were aligning with him. You will help yourself too…you are the kind of woman who will seek out what you need. You will search the internet until you find answers and when you do…you apply the skills needed to disengage and begin healing.

There are a couple of ways to address these traits so that they do not become a risk but are more of a benefit. Your cooperation was tested early on in the relationship. You may have been asked to do things or led to do things just to see if you would follow through. Take a moment and think about the early stage of your relationship. Did you complete tasks that were outside of your personal boundaries…late night meetings, compromising sexual requests, unannounced visits, requests for money? Take a moment and list these requests or experience-title them "Red Flags-Boundary Breakers." These represent ways in which your cooperation and helpfulness was “over-flowing” from your own cup. Your desire to cooperate and be helpful was greater than your desire to stay true to who you are. As you begin to heal you can use this list as a reminder of where your boundaries are…give yourself a chance to firmly instill them so that no other person will be allowed to cross them.

Next month we will look at the third trait in this trio of “SuperTraits”-Compassion. As we approach the holiday season, remind yourself…these are your traits-your gifts- and should not be handed out to just anyone. Tie them up with a bow and keep them to yourself!

Ten Things Everyone Should Know About Race

What a powerful expereince to feel, recognize and honor our humanity.

RACE - The Power of an Illusion
(Produced by California Newsreel in association with the Independent Television Service (ITVS). Major funding provided by the Ford Foundation and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting Diversity Fund. © 2003 California Newsreel. All rights reserved.)

Our eyes tell us that people look different. No one has trouble distinguishing a Czech from a Chinese. But what do those differences mean? Are they biological? Has race always been with us? How does race affect people today?

There's less - and more - to race than meets the eye:

1. Race is a modern idea. Ancient societies, like the Greeks, did not divide people according to physical distinctions, but according to religion, status, class, even language. The English language didn't even have the word 'race' until it turns up in 1508 in a poem by William Dunbar referring to a line of kings.

2. Race has no genetic basis. Not one characteristic, trait or even gene distinguishes all the members of one so-called race from all the members of another so-called race.

3. Human subspecies don't exist. Unlike many animals, modern humans simply haven't been around long enough or isolated enough to evolve into separate subspecies or races. Despite surface appearances, we are one of the most similar of all species.

4. Skin color really is only skin deep. Most traits are inherited independently from one another. The genes influencing skin color have nothing to do with the genes influencing hair form, eye shape, blood type, musical talent, athletic ability or forms of intelligence. Knowing someone's skin color doesn't necessarily tell you anything else about him or her.

5. Most variation is within, not between, "races." Of the small amount of total human variation, 85% exists within any local population, be they Italians, Kurds, Koreans or Cherokees. About 94% can be found within any continent. That means two random Koreans may be as genetically different as a Korean and an Italian.

6. Slavery predates race. Throughout much of human history, societies have enslaved others, often as a result of conquest or war, even debt, but not because of physical characteristics or a belief in natural inferiority. Due to a unique set of historical circumstances, ours was the first slave system where all the slaves shared similar physical characteristics.

7. Race and freedom evolved together. The U.S. was founded on the radical new principle that "All men are created equal." But our early economy was based largely on slavery. How could this anomaly be rationalized? The new idea of race helped explain why some people could be denied the rights and freedoms that others took for granted.

8. Race justified social inequalities as natural. As the race idea evolved, white superiority became "common sense" in America. It justified not only slavery but also the extermination of Indians, exclusion of Asian immigrants, and the taking of Mexican lands by a nation that professed a belief in democracy. Racial practices were institutionalized within American government, laws, and society.

9. Race isn't biological, but racism is still real. Race is a powerful social idea that gives people different access to opportunities and resources. Our government and social institutions have created advantages that disproportionately channel wealth, power, and resources to white people. This affects everyone, whether we are aware of it or not.

10. Colorblindness will not end racism. Pretending race doesn't exist is not the same as creating equality. Race is more than stereotypes and individual prejudice. To combat racism, we need to identify and remedy social policies and institutional practices that advantage some groups at the expense of others.

The Attraction Cocktail

Pathological Relationship Series-Part 2
(This article is part one of a series of articles I am writing for The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education on the traits and characteristics that women posses who find themselves in relationships with pathological men. If you believe that you are in a dangerous relationship or would like to read more about the issue, please visit www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com)


"People can be induced to swallow anything, provided it is sufficiently seasoned with praise" - Molière

You might be asking yourself "Why me?" Why did you get to be the one to end up in this crazy relationship? What did you do wrong to land THIS guy? The answer begins with what could be called the "Attraction Cocktail". There is this powerful potion that has brought the two of you together. This potion consists of the first three SuperTraits identified in Sandra's research: Excitement Seeking-Extraversion-Dominance. These are a few of the rare traits that you both posses in high amounts. In your cup and in his cup these traits are spilling over. Remember you both posses these at an 85-95% higher rate than the average person. So, what we have are two high excitement seekers who are both extraverts, looking for a win…sounds like a recipe for inevitable harm to me.

But not immediate harm. First and almost within minutes there is fire and passion, understanding and power, lust and energy. There is electricity…maybe in a way that you have never felt before. While some people might see in him as "fake" and "overkill" you see him as passionate and understanding. In the very early stages of a relationship these traits lead you from one "fun" experience to another…for him its about building your trust and testing your boundaries.

Let’s look at each trait on its own because each ingredient offers its own unique characteristics that contribute to the potion. I am guessing that some of you may be saying, "I'm not an Excitement-Seeker. I do not like to jump out of planes!" But being an excitement seeker is a little more (or less) than that. It can mean that you like to take risks...personal risks, financial risks, professional risks. It can be that thing that creates in you the desire to go out on a limb…maybe go to the nightclub on your own or sign up on a dating sight or go on a blind date. These are not the things that someone who desires boredom would do. It is the excitement you seek in your hobbies..maybe cycling, hiking or traveling. It is the excitement that you get from going to a great job every day-a career that drives you to go for it! You’re the person who says "Yes!" to new experiences and "Sure!" to risky (yet really cool and innovative) opportunities. It's that little something inside of you…think about it…that thing that says "I'll give it a try, why not?"

So, let's mix the cocktail. Here you are…with all this desire to "seek excitement" and here he comes…looking for some excitement too! Pow! It's on! He loves to go...get out there…take risks with no regard for others. His risks are more about feeding his energy…this energy is part of his pathology. You know that feeling you get when you meet someone who just overwhelms you…they chat you up…with frenetic energy that just doesn't stop-that's the energy of a psychopathy that must be fed with exciting things. He's game for anything…in fact you may have noticed that if you mention a hobby it probably is his hobby too! (Later, you find out that he never really like to do that-it was just part of his hook). He probably loves to travel, if you do; he loves to bike, if you do; he loves to go out with friends, if you do; he loves art, if you do; he loves to go camping, if you do; he loves to go boating, if you do. Whatever he can do that you do-he'll do it. Isn't that exciting? And herein lies the risk: When two excitement-seekers meet it is a chance to join. For you it is a chance to build trust; for him a chance to take trust. For you it is a chance to create a bond; for him a chance to build an attachment. For you a chance to feel a connection-someone finally understands you; for him a chance to make you think that he is just like you and that he understands. Your need for excitement means that you take risky chances…sometimes those risks do not pay off. You (and everyone else in the world) is also more likely to go along with others when you are in a heightened state of excitement. And herein lies the benefit: Because you are an excitement seeker you will be able to see quickly that he is not "all that and a bag of chips". Because inevitably, once the relationship progresses it will become clear that his excitement-seeking fades and the façade he built to trap you will fall to pieces. He bores easily and not because you are boring but because he cannot sustain the emotional energy that it takes to remain in the relationship. He bores because he cannot do the emotional work to remain committed and he does not have the depth to go where you can go. You can turn your wonderful, exciting experiences into real emotional energy-building bonds and forging strength and character for yourself. He has used the opportunity to manipulate you into being under his control. When he is done with that task…he must find someone else to fuel his need for excitement.

What about the ingredient of Extraversion? You might see in yourself a person who openly engages in conversation, someone who is curious about others and often is impulsive in social situations. You might be the person who leads in a group or offers to help out more often than others. You are willing to tell your story, share your thoughts, and contribute. Your extraversion wrapped up with excitement-seeking makes for a pretty great package…life of the party even. So, mixing it up in the room is another extravert…he has no problem going up to complete strangers (how exciting) and introducing himself and then telling you his life story (or whatever story he thinks you want to hear). He is "owning" the room with so much confidence and bravado it’s almost sexy. He displays expertise in to the point he is grandiose…a lot grandiose. His extraversion is the mask…the mask that makes you think it’s safe. It's the mask that convinces you he is what you want him to be. And they are really good at this part-creating that mask of normality.

Extraversion is a great trait to have but herein lies the risk: your extraversion lets him know that you might play his game. Your extraversion means you will do the exciting things he likes to do. It also means that you are curious and probably would not turn down an offer for fun or the offer to try something new…and he might be just that, in the beginning. You are someone who likes to get out and meet people and the guy who is "owning" the room is just the guy for you. But there is one thing about extraversion that makes you different from him-your ability to truly bond with others. And herein lies the benefit: you must become truly bonded with someone to maintain a relationship. Extraversion may bring you two together but you need mutual understanding, respect and unconditional love…this is not what he provides in the long run. It will become clear at some point that his extraversion was a rue to hook you…because his mask will fall and you will see that he is really a lonely, empty person who transforms to meet the needs of those around him. You will begin to use your extraversion as a way to break free of him. When the dynamics of the relationship become clear you will seek out help…you will find people around you who can support you. Your curiosity will lead you to answers and help. You will not fear talking to others…even if they don't really understand. You will keep trying until you find what you need.

The final main component of the "Attraction Cocktail" is dominance. Now, this is another one that at first thought you might say, "What, who me? I am surely not dominant!" But with a closer look you will see that your dominance looks like leadership…it looks like a woman in charge. It's not the kind of dominance that over powers…it is the kind that takes charge. Your dominance does put you in control without being controlling. It tells others that you know what you want and will do what you need to do to get it….even if it means you want a relationship with a certain exciting man. So, there he is…the guy with the magnetic personality who appears as if he "owns" the room…you decide to go for it. He says, "Bring it on!" His dominance means that you are a challenge…two "powerful" people means there is energy. This energy is ultimately moving in different directions but nonetheless energy. His dominance means he wants to have power over you. His power is the kind that is controlling but when you first get together it may look like "a man who knows what he wants"…and knows how to get it. He will use his dominance to appear as if he is your equal…he will move in your circles and appear to be everything you need…and he will do it with swagger. But soon his dominance and need to control will become "power over". And herein lies the risk: Your dominance is not the same as his and when that difference becomes undeniably different you may already be hooked…You may spend the middle to late part of the relationship fighting for your own power and realize that you are completely powerless to his control of you. You may have seen his dominance as "sameness" and felt comforted (thinking that you are always in control and it is finally nice to have someone match you) but that feeling soon fades. By the time it does, you can't break free. And herein lies the benefit: your dominance will be the power that in the end does free you. You will learn how he controls you, you will learn his patterns and with that information you will gain control and dominance…the kind of control and dominance that will set you free.

So if this cocktail isn't strong enough to convince you of the power of his pathology, your risk to it and the benefit it offers you…I want to add one splash of competiveness. It is one of the final traits that you both have in common and that you both have in high amounts…so it makes sense that it adds to the power of the initial attraction. Let's get real…you probably like a good fight. Not one with someone who doesn't know what they are talking about or with someone who is not equally matched to your intelligence but a fight that helps you gain an edge...a smarter outlook…a challenge to build your depth of knowledge. You would not back down if someone came at you with inaccurate information…you have a need to make things right, to get the facts and share facts. Additionally, you will not tolerate being accused of untruths or called inappropriate names. If you think you are not competitive…ask yourself how you would react if someone called you a name or lied about you…I bet you would not back down to that. Well, guess what-he does not like to back down either. He likes a challenge so he is looking for someone who will tangle with him. This type of emotional tangle is just what he loves. He loves to engage in emotional wrangling-it feeds his need for power. When he can control you emotionally he knows that you are invested in the relationship. And herein lies the risk: this relationship is going to feel like a challenge to both of you in the beginning. To you a less passive man probably seems boring. Furthermore, you are not afraid to battle it out and you surely do not want him to "get one over" on you. So this is a great reason to stay and fight. You also might find it a challenge to stay in the relationship and "bust" him doing something…staying until you find the evidence or staying until you find out he's NOT doing what you think he is. Your competiveness means that you are willing and able to battle it out in court. You will go head to head with him…and that is just what he wants. And herein lies the benefit-once you know who he is you will fight like hell to get out. You will realize that you have won because he no longer has the power that comes from your lack of awareness. More importantly, being competitive helped you build a great life. You fought for things that were important to you-an education, a great career. It helped you to challenge others and yourself to always be the best and find the best in others. It helped you make good decisions and take a pro-active approach to almost everything. The best thing about being competitive is that you are often successful. The reason you are successful is because part of competition is knowing when you have been beat-knowing when to cut your losses and move on to a challenge you can win. It is not about being so headstrong that you stay and fight just to be able to say "I win". Your competitiveness, combined with all the other traits you possess lead to more than a need to win…they lead to success.

Because he is sicker than you are smart you will never "win" with him. So all of your book smarts and street smarts and relationship smarts will not out smart his ability to psychologically damage you. Prolonged exposure leads to inevitable harm. Once you know this the battle is over.
By the end of the relationship you may not even feel competitive anymore…he has taken it from you. The energy, fire and gusto that you once had may seem gone. But spend some time away…talk with your girlfriends or family about it…your fire will return. Your brain will tell you to put down the sword and walk away from the emotional vampire; walk away from the battle that you cannot win.

Ultimately and in the end this is where the similarity stops and the pathology begins. Someone who is pathological does not want someone like themselves…ultimately they know that they lack certain things that other people have and they are on a never ending search to get those things…and because they will never get those things or be those things they will use your emotions to control you…so they can fill their empty cup.

So when you ask yourself “Why me?” the answer is clear-because you have what he wants. And when you ask yourself “Why did I stay?” the answer is because you posses traits that meet his needs and he used them to control you. And when you ask yourself “How do I begin to heal?” the answer is by using all of your traits as powerful healing tools, tools that have helped you create a big, full life in every other area of your life.

When it comes to the traits contained in the Attraction Cocktail you may be asking “How do I make sure I never get caught up by another psychopath again?” My suggestion is to use these traits and take the Joyce Brown approach to life. Once you begin to accept that you are an extraverted, excitement-seeking, dominant, competitive woman…once you own that and claim (or re-claim) the benefits…you will find new ways to feed that part of you. Remember, these are NOT deficits, they are overflowing traits you posses so you must use them. You must do it carefully and cautiously, but your must use them. You can do a couple of things:
* Find a hobby-learn to do something you’ve always wanted to learn.
* Take up a political cause or join a social action group.
* Work with a non-profit agency on an issue close to your heart.
* Start a club or group focused on a topic, issue, or hobby you enjoy.
* Learn to ride a motorcycle or take up waterskiing (go big or go home, right?)
Think outside of the box…these are just a few suggestions that will feed your need to be extraverted, do exciting things, be a leader and engage with others. Most importantly you are using your traits in a way that YOU can control. If you are carefully and thoughtfully aware of who you are and what you need…no one can come along and take that away from you.

Peace to you,
Jennifer

Your Many Blessings

by Ralph Marston from www.diddyblog.com


The best way to count your blessings is to make them count. The best way to give thanks is to live with a thankful heart in every moment. As you do that, your many blessings will grow beyond you and continue to fill the world with their goodness.

Stop and consider all those things for which you can be thankful. Each one of them is more than merely a blessing. In each one of them is your opportunity to add your own special treasures to life, to the world in which you live. What more meaningful and powerful blessing could there possibly be?

Your blessings are not yours to be stored up and hidden away. Indeed, the moment you do that they lose their value. Rather, your blessings are yours to be fulfilled. They are not static, but dynamic. They have no limits other than the ones you impose upon them by your fear and shortsightedness.

Your blessings are yours to bring to life. Give thanks, and give life and power to your many blessings. Live them in every moment and watch as they grow to spread their goodness far beyond you. They are yours not only to treasure. They are yours to live, to give, to confidently share, to fulfill.

Bring your blessings to life and let them shine their light over all the world.

Your Cup Runneth Over and How to Put a Lid on It

Pathological Relationship Series-Part 1
(This article is part one of a series of articles I am writing for The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education on the traits and characteristics that women posses who find themselves in relationships with pathological men. If you believe that you are in a dangerous relationship or would like to read more about the issue, please visit www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com)

Your cup runneth over therefore you are at risk…but because it runneth over you can survive.

There are some who see their cup as half full with the perspective that life is full of opportunity and hope. There are some who see their cup as half empty with the perspective that life is a struggle and trouble abounds. But…. what if your cup "runneth" over? What if you have so much to give, so much to share that your cup spills into the lives of others? Sounds good-all of these great qualities…sharing, giving, generosity, just spreading their power and joy to all whom you meet. But here's the catch-and there is always a catch - what if someone has an empty (or nearly empty) cup? What if someone came into your life and nuzzled (or pushed) their cup right up against yours? What if they NEED what you have to experience excitement, to feel powerful? This "empty-cup" person will surely catch the spill over, they will surely gather up and collect all that they can. Now, think about this from the opposite perspective: an empty cup moving through life SEEKING an over-flowing cup, finds it, takes from it (in fact, empties it) until they are full and you are empty…what results is inevitable harm.

Sandra's research has taught us that you posses temperament traits to a higher than average degree than other women (there's your cup-running over). In fact, the research showed that in most of the traits you scored 85-97% higher than other women in these traits. That means a lot. It means that if someone is normally empathetic they clearly understand others perspectives. But for you, empathy means feeling the feelings that others feel….and wanting to do something about it. It means that you NEED to feel purposeful, responsible, loyal or trustworthy just to feel like yourself-not because you lack it. This is not just WHO you are it is WHAT YOU DO. The good news is that these qualities are the things that people want to and should have. These are the temperament traits that create strong, conscientious, goal-directed, focused people. These are the traits that allow you to be successful in both your personal and professional life.

So, here's the bad news-they are also the traits that psychopaths need. They are the traits that attract empty-cups. They are the traits that let psychopaths know that you will play the game with them. They are even the traits that keep you in the game…that keep you fighting for the relationship.

This may be new news to you. I have worked with many women who have said to me "I needed something…that's why I stayed with him." I get that…there is a feeling of something missing when you are in a relationship with a psychopath. But it is not because you do NOT HAVE these things…it is because HE TOOK THEM from you. Here's the evidence - look at your life before the psychopath. Look at your life outside of the psychopath. What do you see? I am guessing it is a pretty good life. Without being too presumptuous let me guess that you have friends and family who love you and whom you love; you have a great career that you created based on what you love and what you are good at; you are sociable, friendly, giving and often find that others like to be around you. This is you- either before him or when you are not in his presence. This is true because this is who you are. Shocking?- I hope not! That thing you needed was not something he had-it could have been the fantasy relationship you created with him-but it is not something he brought to the table.

I am going to use this column to talk in detail about all of the traits identified in Sandra's research as risk factors. But be clear, they are also the things that will get you out and keep you out. They are the things that have allowed you to create a great life before him and will allow you to re-build a great life after him. We will examine each one looking at how it put you at risk and then examine ways in which you can use it to begin detachment from the relationship and create a healing path. Finally, I will provide techniques for building each trait. But before we begin that process I need you to PUT A LID ON IT! If your cup is over-flowing it is time to put that lid on. Here’s what I want you to do:
1) Get the information. Once you know better you have to do better. Read the materials provided on this site and by Sandra to begin to understand the dynamics of these relationships and what your risk factors are. Read Chapter 7 of Sandra’s Book “Women Who Love Psychopaths”, 2nd Edition. We will talk more next time about how these traits have played out in your life and ways you can re-build them.
2) Use your traits. I know that your cup may “feel” empty but it really isn’t. These are character traits that cannot change-they don’t go away. But you get used to not using them so it feels like they are gone. They are not-you probably do it at work, with other loved ones, with friends-they are there. (Another great benefit to using them is that if you haven’t done it in a while it will confuse your psychopath and he won't know how to react.) Finally, the more you use them the more your cup will re-fill itself. You will begin to re-gain your confidence and personal power and that brings detachment and healing from the relationship.
3) Most importantly-Only use them when someone deserves it or earns them through time demonstrated and behavior. These traits are precious. Now you know how precious they are and if you are not careful you will end up in an endless cycle with an empty cup. There is no need to throw trust, empathy, responsibility, or even helpfulness around to every person you meet. You can take a moment, breath and evaluate each situation using time, reason and demonstrated behavior as determining factors. Be good to yourself and treasure who you are…you owe it to yourself.

Peace to you-Jennifer

And the day came...

So, it is a new year. You will be happy to know that this blog will not be about resolutions. I am all for them, if you make one. But why? I believe that resolutions are about a process. It may be judged by the ending of a process…but none the less a process. What I want to focus on as the new year begins is another form of the word resolution-resolve.

Do you have the resolve that it takes to begin the new year…to begin your journey. Because if you do…then go ahead and make that resolution.

There is a quote that I believe helps us understand about resolve:
"And the day came, when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" The author of this quote was Anais Nin. She was an author known for publishing her personal journals and for one of the first female writers of erotica. (Don't worry…I am not suggesting that you go write erotica!)

What stands out in this quote is the idea of risk vs. pain. Sometimes, life presents challenges to us that are painful…relationships, children, career etc. These experiences can cause emotional upheaval that expose us, makes us feel vulnerable. Our feelings are either stuffed inside so deep that it is painful or exposed for all to see, to possibly ridicule and that becomes painful. But to find a resolution (to begin that process) can often put us at risk. Again this process requires we expose ourselves-our emotions, feelings or truths to others. This can be a double-edged sword, some might call it a double-bind…there just feels like there is no good option.

So how do we blossom? We use our resolve. That powerful force inside of us…deep inside…that pushes toward our truth. It says, "Yes, blossoming, although painful is right-go ahead…take that risk." It says, "I will be here to support you, push you, keep you going". So as you move into a new year…what is your resolve going to push you to do? Is there a relationship that needs healing? Is there a child that needs loving? Is there a career that needs nurturing? What risks are you willing to take so that you can blossom?