“All truths are easy to understand once
they are discovered; the point is to discover them.” ~Galileo Galilei
Life after a pathological relationship and the resulting
trauma is like walking through a forest.
It’s a whole new place. In the
forest, there are dangerous things and pretty things. You cannot avoid the forest because of the
dangerous things…because the pretty things make life worth living. You have a go into the forest. Living life now, with trauma, means that you
have to be more aware of where and what the danger is. That’s why the forest metaphor works. You can look around - with open eyes – a see
what is dangerous and what is not. Time
to open your eyes.
This is really a “how to”.
Living with trauma and walking through the forest requires some
instruction. You might never have had to
walk through the forest before or maybe never realized that you have been in a
forest your whole life. You can no
longer step outside into the world with your eyes closed or pretending that
things do not scare you. This strategy
leads to hyper-vigilance…that place of unknowing. Hyperviglience is a fear of the unknown –
eyes closed – unable to see what is coming.
That doesn’t work to keep you safe.
But to live with trauma means that you become vigilant – eyes open –
aware of danger and skills to manage what comes.
Step one: Acknowledge you are in a forest and identify the
danger.
The single most important “danger” to recognize is the
psychopath himself. Let’s say he’s the
wolf that lives in the forest. You have
to acknowledge that wolves live in the forest.
Don’t step outside onto the path without reminding yourself of that
fact. It is what it is. Get your thoughts right about this fact…challenge
your denial and the minimizing of that fact.
Allow the fear of the wolf to serve as a warning and reminder (because
this is the purpose of all emotions). As
you correct your thoughts, let that lead to coping strategies that you
verbalize to yourself. Create a plan to
deal with the wolf that lives in the forest when it shows up. Visualize yourself saving yourself.
Side
note: the greatest weapon to save yourself from a wolf is your running
shoes. Be prepared to metaphorically and
literally run from the wolf when you see it.
A wolf cannot harm you if you are running away or not in his presence at
all. You are not avoiding, you are not wimpy,
you are saving your life. Buy good running shoes.
Step two: When you are in the forest, stay present in the
forest – eyes open.
You have to stay present and take in each moment. You cannot allow yourself to be distracted by
the past or fearful of the future.
Safety and beauty are in the here and now. Eyes open, head up, one breath at a time, one
foot in front of the other. Take in your
surroundings with all of your senses.
This level of awareness will allow you to take in the beauty and sense
the danger. This level of awareness will
allow you to feel the changes in your body, the signals of fear that will give
you time to put on those running shoes.
Then, when the wolf shows up you will mindfully and with intention get
those shoes on and save yourself.
Step three: Seek safety and settle yourself
Run to a safe place…home, a friend, the police. Once there, take off your shoes because you
are no longer in danger. Take a moment
to intentionally tell yourself that you are safe and that you saved
yourself. Be proud that in the forest,
when the wolf came, you lived. You are
alive and safe so let your breathing slow to a relaxed pace. Use your senses to get present in the safe
space you landed.
Three steps to safety, every time. Now, I am sure you are thinking that you
cannot literally run away every time.
There are times when the wolf knocks at the door to get the kids, or
sits across the courtroom or passes you in the hall at work. These times, a metaphorical running away will
work. You are not engaging, you are
moving in a different direction figuratively…as the wolf seeks to attack and
move close you are seeking escape, to end the engagement as quickly as you can. You may not get to run right away…but you are
going to run. Your running away comes in
the form of not giving him words to manipulate (use as few words as possible
when he is around) and not giving him facial expressions to read. Most importantly, no emotional reaction to
serve as a sign that his attack has hooked you.
When you begin to see the wolf for what he is…a wolf…your
walk through the forest will be different.
It will feel safer and you will have taken some of your power back. Being vigilant – with your eyes open – is
powerful. When you see what is coming
vs. denying or minimizing the danger you will create solutions to keep yourself
safe that you never knew you had.
Fear is a very powerful emotion that should never be
quieted. It should always be allowed to
serve it’s purpose and keep us safe. But
staying afraid and living in fear literally creates the opposite effect, it
kills us. It wears your body down,
drains you of energy and robs you of your ability to think clearly. Do not stay in fear. Let fear become awareness. Eyes open – you are living in a forest with
beautiful trees, plants, sweet smelling flowers and wolves. Go buy some good running shoes and go for a
walk.
