by Ralph Marston from www.diddyblog.com
The best way to count your blessings is to make them count. The best way to give thanks is to live with a thankful heart in every moment. As you do that, your many blessings will grow beyond you and continue to fill the world with their goodness.
Stop and consider all those things for which you can be thankful. Each one of them is more than merely a blessing. In each one of them is your opportunity to add your own special treasures to life, to the world in which you live. What more meaningful and powerful blessing could there possibly be?
Your blessings are not yours to be stored up and hidden away. Indeed, the moment you do that they lose their value. Rather, your blessings are yours to be fulfilled. They are not static, but dynamic. They have no limits other than the ones you impose upon them by your fear and shortsightedness.
Your blessings are yours to bring to life. Give thanks, and give life and power to your many blessings. Live them in every moment and watch as they grow to spread their goodness far beyond you. They are yours not only to treasure. They are yours to live, to give, to confidently share, to fulfill.
Bring your blessings to life and let them shine their light over all the world.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Your Cup Runneth Over and How to Put a Lid on It
Pathological Relationship Series-Part 1
(This article is part one of a series of articles I am writing for The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education on the traits and characteristics that women posses who find themselves in relationships with pathological men. If you believe that you are in a dangerous relationship or would like to read more about the issue, please visit www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com)
Your cup runneth over therefore you are at risk…but because it runneth over you can survive.
There are some who see their cup as half full with the perspective that life is full of opportunity and hope. There are some who see their cup as half empty with the perspective that life is a struggle and trouble abounds. But…. what if your cup "runneth" over? What if you have so much to give, so much to share that your cup spills into the lives of others? Sounds good-all of these great qualities…sharing, giving, generosity, just spreading their power and joy to all whom you meet. But here's the catch-and there is always a catch - what if someone has an empty (or nearly empty) cup? What if someone came into your life and nuzzled (or pushed) their cup right up against yours? What if they NEED what you have to experience excitement, to feel powerful? This "empty-cup" person will surely catch the spill over, they will surely gather up and collect all that they can. Now, think about this from the opposite perspective: an empty cup moving through life SEEKING an over-flowing cup, finds it, takes from it (in fact, empties it) until they are full and you are empty…what results is inevitable harm.
Sandra's research has taught us that you posses temperament traits to a higher than average degree than other women (there's your cup-running over). In fact, the research showed that in most of the traits you scored 85-97% higher than other women in these traits. That means a lot. It means that if someone is normally empathetic they clearly understand others perspectives. But for you, empathy means feeling the feelings that others feel….and wanting to do something about it. It means that you NEED to feel purposeful, responsible, loyal or trustworthy just to feel like yourself-not because you lack it. This is not just WHO you are it is WHAT YOU DO. The good news is that these qualities are the things that people want to and should have. These are the temperament traits that create strong, conscientious, goal-directed, focused people. These are the traits that allow you to be successful in both your personal and professional life.
So, here's the bad news-they are also the traits that psychopaths need. They are the traits that attract empty-cups. They are the traits that let psychopaths know that you will play the game with them. They are even the traits that keep you in the game…that keep you fighting for the relationship.
This may be new news to you. I have worked with many women who have said to me "I needed something…that's why I stayed with him." I get that…there is a feeling of something missing when you are in a relationship with a psychopath. But it is not because you do NOT HAVE these things…it is because HE TOOK THEM from you. Here's the evidence - look at your life before the psychopath. Look at your life outside of the psychopath. What do you see? I am guessing it is a pretty good life. Without being too presumptuous let me guess that you have friends and family who love you and whom you love; you have a great career that you created based on what you love and what you are good at; you are sociable, friendly, giving and often find that others like to be around you. This is you- either before him or when you are not in his presence. This is true because this is who you are. Shocking?- I hope not! That thing you needed was not something he had-it could have been the fantasy relationship you created with him-but it is not something he brought to the table.
I am going to use this column to talk in detail about all of the traits identified in Sandra's research as risk factors. But be clear, they are also the things that will get you out and keep you out. They are the things that have allowed you to create a great life before him and will allow you to re-build a great life after him. We will examine each one looking at how it put you at risk and then examine ways in which you can use it to begin detachment from the relationship and create a healing path. Finally, I will provide techniques for building each trait. But before we begin that process I need you to PUT A LID ON IT! If your cup is over-flowing it is time to put that lid on. Here’s what I want you to do:
1) Get the information. Once you know better you have to do better. Read the materials provided on this site and by Sandra to begin to understand the dynamics of these relationships and what your risk factors are. Read Chapter 7 of Sandra’s Book “Women Who Love Psychopaths”, 2nd Edition. We will talk more next time about how these traits have played out in your life and ways you can re-build them.
2) Use your traits. I know that your cup may “feel” empty but it really isn’t. These are character traits that cannot change-they don’t go away. But you get used to not using them so it feels like they are gone. They are not-you probably do it at work, with other loved ones, with friends-they are there. (Another great benefit to using them is that if you haven’t done it in a while it will confuse your psychopath and he won't know how to react.) Finally, the more you use them the more your cup will re-fill itself. You will begin to re-gain your confidence and personal power and that brings detachment and healing from the relationship.
3) Most importantly-Only use them when someone deserves it or earns them through time demonstrated and behavior. These traits are precious. Now you know how precious they are and if you are not careful you will end up in an endless cycle with an empty cup. There is no need to throw trust, empathy, responsibility, or even helpfulness around to every person you meet. You can take a moment, breath and evaluate each situation using time, reason and demonstrated behavior as determining factors. Be good to yourself and treasure who you are…you owe it to yourself.
Peace to you-Jennifer
(This article is part one of a series of articles I am writing for The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education on the traits and characteristics that women posses who find themselves in relationships with pathological men. If you believe that you are in a dangerous relationship or would like to read more about the issue, please visit www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com)
Your cup runneth over therefore you are at risk…but because it runneth over you can survive.
There are some who see their cup as half full with the perspective that life is full of opportunity and hope. There are some who see their cup as half empty with the perspective that life is a struggle and trouble abounds. But…. what if your cup "runneth" over? What if you have so much to give, so much to share that your cup spills into the lives of others? Sounds good-all of these great qualities…sharing, giving, generosity, just spreading their power and joy to all whom you meet. But here's the catch-and there is always a catch - what if someone has an empty (or nearly empty) cup? What if someone came into your life and nuzzled (or pushed) their cup right up against yours? What if they NEED what you have to experience excitement, to feel powerful? This "empty-cup" person will surely catch the spill over, they will surely gather up and collect all that they can. Now, think about this from the opposite perspective: an empty cup moving through life SEEKING an over-flowing cup, finds it, takes from it (in fact, empties it) until they are full and you are empty…what results is inevitable harm.
Sandra's research has taught us that you posses temperament traits to a higher than average degree than other women (there's your cup-running over). In fact, the research showed that in most of the traits you scored 85-97% higher than other women in these traits. That means a lot. It means that if someone is normally empathetic they clearly understand others perspectives. But for you, empathy means feeling the feelings that others feel….and wanting to do something about it. It means that you NEED to feel purposeful, responsible, loyal or trustworthy just to feel like yourself-not because you lack it. This is not just WHO you are it is WHAT YOU DO. The good news is that these qualities are the things that people want to and should have. These are the temperament traits that create strong, conscientious, goal-directed, focused people. These are the traits that allow you to be successful in both your personal and professional life.
So, here's the bad news-they are also the traits that psychopaths need. They are the traits that attract empty-cups. They are the traits that let psychopaths know that you will play the game with them. They are even the traits that keep you in the game…that keep you fighting for the relationship.
This may be new news to you. I have worked with many women who have said to me "I needed something…that's why I stayed with him." I get that…there is a feeling of something missing when you are in a relationship with a psychopath. But it is not because you do NOT HAVE these things…it is because HE TOOK THEM from you. Here's the evidence - look at your life before the psychopath. Look at your life outside of the psychopath. What do you see? I am guessing it is a pretty good life. Without being too presumptuous let me guess that you have friends and family who love you and whom you love; you have a great career that you created based on what you love and what you are good at; you are sociable, friendly, giving and often find that others like to be around you. This is you- either before him or when you are not in his presence. This is true because this is who you are. Shocking?- I hope not! That thing you needed was not something he had-it could have been the fantasy relationship you created with him-but it is not something he brought to the table.
I am going to use this column to talk in detail about all of the traits identified in Sandra's research as risk factors. But be clear, they are also the things that will get you out and keep you out. They are the things that have allowed you to create a great life before him and will allow you to re-build a great life after him. We will examine each one looking at how it put you at risk and then examine ways in which you can use it to begin detachment from the relationship and create a healing path. Finally, I will provide techniques for building each trait. But before we begin that process I need you to PUT A LID ON IT! If your cup is over-flowing it is time to put that lid on. Here’s what I want you to do:
1) Get the information. Once you know better you have to do better. Read the materials provided on this site and by Sandra to begin to understand the dynamics of these relationships and what your risk factors are. Read Chapter 7 of Sandra’s Book “Women Who Love Psychopaths”, 2nd Edition. We will talk more next time about how these traits have played out in your life and ways you can re-build them.
2) Use your traits. I know that your cup may “feel” empty but it really isn’t. These are character traits that cannot change-they don’t go away. But you get used to not using them so it feels like they are gone. They are not-you probably do it at work, with other loved ones, with friends-they are there. (Another great benefit to using them is that if you haven’t done it in a while it will confuse your psychopath and he won't know how to react.) Finally, the more you use them the more your cup will re-fill itself. You will begin to re-gain your confidence and personal power and that brings detachment and healing from the relationship.
3) Most importantly-Only use them when someone deserves it or earns them through time demonstrated and behavior. These traits are precious. Now you know how precious they are and if you are not careful you will end up in an endless cycle with an empty cup. There is no need to throw trust, empathy, responsibility, or even helpfulness around to every person you meet. You can take a moment, breath and evaluate each situation using time, reason and demonstrated behavior as determining factors. Be good to yourself and treasure who you are…you owe it to yourself.
Peace to you-Jennifer
Monday, January 11, 2010
And the day came...
So, it is a new year. You will be happy to know that this blog will not be about resolutions. I am all for them, if you make one. But why? I believe that resolutions are about a process. It may be judged by the ending of a process…but none the less a process. What I want to focus on as the new year begins is another form of the word resolution-resolve.
Do you have the resolve that it takes to begin the new year…to begin your journey. Because if you do…then go ahead and make that resolution.
There is a quote that I believe helps us understand about resolve:
"And the day came, when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" The author of this quote was Anais Nin. She was an author known for publishing her personal journals and for one of the first female writers of erotica. (Don't worry…I am not suggesting that you go write erotica!)
What stands out in this quote is the idea of risk vs. pain. Sometimes, life presents challenges to us that are painful…relationships, children, career etc. These experiences can cause emotional upheaval that expose us, makes us feel vulnerable. Our feelings are either stuffed inside so deep that it is painful or exposed for all to see, to possibly ridicule and that becomes painful. But to find a resolution (to begin that process) can often put us at risk. Again this process requires we expose ourselves-our emotions, feelings or truths to others. This can be a double-edged sword, some might call it a double-bind…there just feels like there is no good option.
So how do we blossom? We use our resolve. That powerful force inside of us…deep inside…that pushes toward our truth. It says, "Yes, blossoming, although painful is right-go ahead…take that risk." It says, "I will be here to support you, push you, keep you going". So as you move into a new year…what is your resolve going to push you to do? Is there a relationship that needs healing? Is there a child that needs loving? Is there a career that needs nurturing? What risks are you willing to take so that you can blossom?
Do you have the resolve that it takes to begin the new year…to begin your journey. Because if you do…then go ahead and make that resolution.
There is a quote that I believe helps us understand about resolve:
"And the day came, when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" The author of this quote was Anais Nin. She was an author known for publishing her personal journals and for one of the first female writers of erotica. (Don't worry…I am not suggesting that you go write erotica!)
What stands out in this quote is the idea of risk vs. pain. Sometimes, life presents challenges to us that are painful…relationships, children, career etc. These experiences can cause emotional upheaval that expose us, makes us feel vulnerable. Our feelings are either stuffed inside so deep that it is painful or exposed for all to see, to possibly ridicule and that becomes painful. But to find a resolution (to begin that process) can often put us at risk. Again this process requires we expose ourselves-our emotions, feelings or truths to others. This can be a double-edged sword, some might call it a double-bind…there just feels like there is no good option.
So how do we blossom? We use our resolve. That powerful force inside of us…deep inside…that pushes toward our truth. It says, "Yes, blossoming, although painful is right-go ahead…take that risk." It says, "I will be here to support you, push you, keep you going". So as you move into a new year…what is your resolve going to push you to do? Is there a relationship that needs healing? Is there a child that needs loving? Is there a career that needs nurturing? What risks are you willing to take so that you can blossom?
Sunday, August 2, 2009
The Elders
I found out about a new group of leaders who have formed for a specific reason. The Elders believe that they have the power to be able to speak freely and openly about issues related to peace and human injustice. They believe that they can share their wisdom and assist the global community in solving it's problems. They also hope to encourage dialogue and debate and inspire others to create positive change.
Their major initiatives include: Sudan, Cyprus, Zimbabwe, Burma/Myanmar, Every Human Has Rights and Equality for Women and Girls. I was particularly struck by the latter and their stance for women and girls and religion. I have learned that spirituality is a fundamental need for all humans but the structure and rigidity of organized religion can become limiting. I believe that they are focused on building spirituality by opening the dialogue on old traditions...this is what the elders said:
"Religion and tradition are a great force for peace and progress around the world. However, as Elders, we believe that the justification of discrimination against women and girls on grounds of religion or tradition, as if it were prescribed by a higher authority, is unacceptable. We believe that women and girls share equal rights with men and boys in all aspects of life. We call upon all leaders to promote and protect equal rights for women and girls. We especially call on religious and traditional leaders to set an example and change all discriminatory practices within their own religions and traditions. The Elders are fully committed to the realisation of equality and empowerment of all women and girls." The Elders, 2 July 2009.
You can read more about their initiatives for women and girls by clicking here.
So, who are these elders...well, just some of the most well-known (and not so well-known) peacemakers of our time. Following is a list including their thoughts on the cause (click on their name to visit The Elders website and learn more about them):
Kofi Annan-“No one can deprive us of the right, as concerned global citizens, to want to do something about the challenges that face us.”
Ela Bhatt-“There are risks in every action. Every success has the seed of some failure. But it doesn't matter. It is how you go about it. That is the real challenge.”
Lakhdar Brahimi-“We’re extremely careful not to claim that we’re going to take a problem and solve it. What we’re saying is that from time to time, in certain situations, a problem needs a little push.”
Gro Brundtland-“We are individuals who are speaking without any outside pressures. In that context we can create the potential for change.”
Fernando H. Cardoso-"The Elders believe that what is important is not to continue to do something for himself, but to serve others.”
Jimmy Carter-“We need to form partnerships with people and organizations already there, doing outstanding work.”
Graca Machel-“I think The Elders can play the role of amplifying the voices of the millions of citizens of the world who daily are working very hard to make themselves heard.”
Mary Robinson-“Part of the wisdom of the Elders is to remind the world that we actually have universal values that are accepted by every government in the world and yet they are not being implemented.”
Desmond Tutu-“Despite all of the ghastliness in the world, human beings are made for goodness. The ones that are held in high regard are not militarily powerful, nor even economically prosperous. They have a commitment to try and make the world a better place.”
Muhammad Yunus-“I hope we will see clearly and focus our efforts on economic issues as well as social issues - wherever we can have the most impact.”
Nelson Mandela-“This group can speak freely and boldly, working both publicly and behind the scenes. Together they will support courage where there is fear, foster agreement where there is conflict and inspire hope where there is despair.”
Aung San Suu Kyi-She is an honorary member of the elders as she is currently imprisoned in Burma for her fight to liberate the Burmese people. She has been working for peace and freedom since the late 80's. She has won numerous international awards, including the Nobel Peace Prize, the Sakharov Prize of the European Parliament, United States Presidential Medal of Freedom, and the Jawaharlal Nehru Award from India. She states "Human beings the world over need freedom and security that they may be able to realize their full potential.”
For more about the elders and to support their cause, visit their website www.theelders.org
Their major initiatives include: Sudan, Cyprus, Zimbabwe, Burma/Myanmar, Every Human Has Rights and Equality for Women and Girls. I was particularly struck by the latter and their stance for women and girls and religion. I have learned that spirituality is a fundamental need for all humans but the structure and rigidity of organized religion can become limiting. I believe that they are focused on building spirituality by opening the dialogue on old traditions...this is what the elders said:
"Religion and tradition are a great force for peace and progress around the world. However, as Elders, we believe that the justification of discrimination against women and girls on grounds of religion or tradition, as if it were prescribed by a higher authority, is unacceptable. We believe that women and girls share equal rights with men and boys in all aspects of life. We call upon all leaders to promote and protect equal rights for women and girls. We especially call on religious and traditional leaders to set an example and change all discriminatory practices within their own religions and traditions. The Elders are fully committed to the realisation of equality and empowerment of all women and girls." The Elders, 2 July 2009.
You can read more about their initiatives for women and girls by clicking here.
So, who are these elders...well, just some of the most well-known (and not so well-known) peacemakers of our time. Following is a list including their thoughts on the cause (click on their name to visit The Elders website and learn more about them):
Kofi Annan-“No one can deprive us of the right, as concerned global citizens, to want to do something about the challenges that face us.”
Ela Bhatt-“There are risks in every action. Every success has the seed of some failure. But it doesn't matter. It is how you go about it. That is the real challenge.”
Lakhdar Brahimi-“We’re extremely careful not to claim that we’re going to take a problem and solve it. What we’re saying is that from time to time, in certain situations, a problem needs a little push.”
Gro Brundtland-“We are individuals who are speaking without any outside pressures. In that context we can create the potential for change.”
Fernando H. Cardoso-"The Elders believe that what is important is not to continue to do something for himself, but to serve others.”
Jimmy Carter-“We need to form partnerships with people and organizations already there, doing outstanding work.”
Graca Machel-“I think The Elders can play the role of amplifying the voices of the millions of citizens of the world who daily are working very hard to make themselves heard.”
Mary Robinson-“Part of the wisdom of the Elders is to remind the world that we actually have universal values that are accepted by every government in the world and yet they are not being implemented.”
Desmond Tutu-“Despite all of the ghastliness in the world, human beings are made for goodness. The ones that are held in high regard are not militarily powerful, nor even economically prosperous. They have a commitment to try and make the world a better place.”
Muhammad Yunus-“I hope we will see clearly and focus our efforts on economic issues as well as social issues - wherever we can have the most impact.”
Nelson Mandela-“This group can speak freely and boldly, working both publicly and behind the scenes. Together they will support courage where there is fear, foster agreement where there is conflict and inspire hope where there is despair.”
Aung San Suu Kyi-She is an honorary member of the elders as she is currently imprisoned in Burma for her fight to liberate the Burmese people. She has been working for peace and freedom since the late 80's. She has won numerous international awards, including the Nobel Peace Prize, the Sakharov Prize of the European Parliament, United States Presidential Medal of Freedom, and the Jawaharlal Nehru Award from India. She states "Human beings the world over need freedom and security that they may be able to realize their full potential.”
For more about the elders and to support their cause, visit their website www.theelders.org
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Guilt vs. Shame
Many of us have grown up with some level of guilt and shame. It is a part of what parents do to help us make good choices, right. But in some cases it is brought on by trauma. Something scary and frightening that we did not expect. Something that took us by surprise and we are have a hard time working through. Well, it is important to understand these two important emotional states. If you can separate them you can gain a clearer understanding.
Guilt and shame are not the same thing. Guilt is generated by something outside of us or by something we do to someone else. It is the bad feeling brought on by an action, a mistake, something outside of your self. Guilt can be helpful because it can tell us if we have wronged someone or need to make amends. Guilt will motivate us to seek forgiveness. Can you forgive yourself for your past mistakes? What positive behaviors can you engage in that will help you move past feelings of guilt?
Shame is the internalized feeling-the belief that you are the mistake and you cannot change it. Shame means you feel bad about who you are. These feelings of shame do not come to everyone. There are people who commit acts that they may feel bad about or they consider mistakes, but they do not feel shame. However, others feel shame. Shame is based in our own sense of self worth. It is based in the facts we believe about our self that we are no good and not worthy. It comes from being treated in a degrading manner and believing that is how we should be treated. As a child, we may not know that these feelings are developing. They may develop and become part of who we are because we never knew any differently.
So here are some beliefs you may have internalized. You can change your beliefs by changing your thoughts. Try making the change....
Shameful beliefs...Healthy Beliefs:
I cannot take risk…I can take risks
I am not allowed to be seen or heard...I want to be seen and heard
I am invisible….I am important
To avoid disapproval, I do things I don't want to do…I will do the things I want to do
I am not allowed to ask for what I need…I will ask for what I need
I am inferior to others...I am equal to everyone and my differences make me unique
I must treat myself negatively because I am bad...I am good and I make mistakes
My beliefs about myself are all negative...I believe that I can change my beliefs
I must be perfect...I am not perfect
I am disappointment to...I always seek to be my personal best
My interests, choices and wants are not of value to others...I am of value to those around me
If something goes wrong in my world, it is my fault...I make mistakes but I am not my mistake
I constantly look for ways to prove I am to blame for...I accept responsibility and then forgive myself
For more information about forgiving yourself, check out my previous post on forgiveness.
For more information about overcoming guilt and shame, check out the PTSD Workbook
Williams, M.B., Poijula, S. The PTSD Workbook: Simple Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symtoms. New Harbinger Publications. 2002
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
This is your brain...on drugs...
This is your brain on drugs. Really...this is what the activity in your brain looks like using a SPECT scan. Dr. Daniel Amen has been using the scans for many years to learn how the brain is damaged by the use of drugs. What you see is the activity. You are seeing the energy that is created when your neurons are firing with the help of neurotransmitters (the naturally occurring brain chemicals that assist in brain communication)
The first picture is a normal brain. Notice how smooth it is and symmetrical. The bottom is the pre-frontal cortex...the front of your brain. The top is the occipital lobe...the back of your brain.
So this next brain (pictured below) is obviously a little "in active" in some areas. Notice that there are gaping holes in many areas. These are not really holes, but rather areas where the brain is in-active. The neurotransmitters have diminished in function so the brain has stopped functioning. An important thing to know about drugs us is that all drugs (pot, alcohol, cocaine, opiates...) all are artificial neurotransmitters. They fool the brain. If you do those drugs long enough your brain realizes it does not need to produce the neurotransmitter and stops.
This is what that looks like. This brain is of a person who is 39 years old and has been a heavy weekend drinker for 17 years...
This is what that looks like. This brain is of a person who is 39 years old and has been a heavy weekend drinker for 17 years...
The next brain scan (pictured below) is that of a person who is actively using drugs and alcohol. There are many areas that are in-active at the time of use.
This brain is the same person above after one year of sobriety. Now, what we know about the brain for sure is that it is resilient. It can heal itself. Rather, it can begin producing those neurotransmitters again, if the person stops using.
Here's one for those of you who have teenagers who have told you that smoking pot is no big deal. The brain below is a normal brain with activity shown as the red areas. You can see that all parts of the brain have "red" areas of activity. This person is receiving the information (bottom, back of the brain) and is using the front (or top) of the brain to decide what to do with the information. The sides of the brain show memory and emotional reaction...
all working and active.
all working and active.
Now, check this out. This brain...same person...smoking marijuana. The information is coming in...but it is going no where. See that little red dot in the middle. That is our middle brain...primary function..food, sex, fight or flight etc...it's slightly active. Pretty scary, right?
We are really lucky to live in a time to have access to this great information. Some of it confirms what we have known for years. Your brain does get fried (just like those sizzling eggs in the commercial) from using drugs. But now that we know this...can we do something different?
I hope you do.
For more information about Dr. Amen's SPECT Scans, click here.
For information about twelve step meetings in your area, click here.
I hope you do.
For more information about Dr. Amen's SPECT Scans, click here.
For information about twelve step meetings in your area, click here.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
An Old Cherokee Legend...
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.
"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."
He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
So, which wolf will you feed and which wolf will you teach your children to feed.
"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."
He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
So, which wolf will you feed and which wolf will you teach your children to feed.
Jennrain Believes
This blog is a place for me to share what I believe with you. Because learning is the core of growth I hope that this space will be a learning experience for you. Although some of what you read here will constitute some opinion, I hope to bring insightful, fact based information on topics that will help you learn more about yourself. Most importantly, I hope that you carefully ponder what you read and use it to grow strong.
There are some very important beliefs that I hold to be my truths. This is the place from which I speak to you:
I believe you are complete and whole just as you are. I believe you have all the skills, strengths, wisdom and love inside of you. This is your whole heart. This heart is there when you are not there for yourself. It does not fail you.
I believe that if we are damaged or hurt by others we can uncover a layer of our self and find a stronger, newer layer underneath. This uncovering takes hard work, insight, strength, desire and love.
I believe we are not our mistake. We are the choice we make as a result of that mistake. It is important to always do the next right thing.
I believe that we are motivated by our desire to achieve. Our desire to achieve goodness, joy, love, friendship, contentment, wealth, and success motivate us to change.
I believe that we are complex and only we truly know who we are. We are different in every way and that is what makes us special. There is a spectrum of goodness and badness, male and female, strong and weak. We move along this spectrum throughout our lives, sometimes settling where we were meant to be and sometimes testing others. Once we are where we belong, if we can get quiet long enough, we will know it.
I believe that our environment can change us and that we can change our environment. Our culture and ethnicity can be who we are but it can also be taught to us. We can change our life space and change who shares that space with us.
I also believe that as we change, the world around us changes. Sometimes it is our responsibility to help the world change, by sharing our experiences or speaking out on behalf of others. Sometimes our world changes because we change. Either way, our change causes a ripple. This ripple can change the world around us.
There are some very important beliefs that I hold to be my truths. This is the place from which I speak to you:
I believe you are complete and whole just as you are. I believe you have all the skills, strengths, wisdom and love inside of you. This is your whole heart. This heart is there when you are not there for yourself. It does not fail you.
I believe that if we are damaged or hurt by others we can uncover a layer of our self and find a stronger, newer layer underneath. This uncovering takes hard work, insight, strength, desire and love.
I believe we are not our mistake. We are the choice we make as a result of that mistake. It is important to always do the next right thing.
I believe that we are motivated by our desire to achieve. Our desire to achieve goodness, joy, love, friendship, contentment, wealth, and success motivate us to change.
I believe that we are complex and only we truly know who we are. We are different in every way and that is what makes us special. There is a spectrum of goodness and badness, male and female, strong and weak. We move along this spectrum throughout our lives, sometimes settling where we were meant to be and sometimes testing others. Once we are where we belong, if we can get quiet long enough, we will know it.
I believe that our environment can change us and that we can change our environment. Our culture and ethnicity can be who we are but it can also be taught to us. We can change our life space and change who shares that space with us.
I also believe that as we change, the world around us changes. Sometimes it is our responsibility to help the world change, by sharing our experiences or speaking out on behalf of others. Sometimes our world changes because we change. Either way, our change causes a ripple. This ripple can change the world around us.
Forgiveness-What It Is Not...
Ever wonder what forgiveness is? Ever believe that you should forgive someone but just can't? Ever been told you have to forgive someone…because it is the right thing to do? Well, there are a few things that I have learned about forgiveness that you might find interesting.
At the 2009 American Counseling Association Annual Conference I was privileged to participate in a workshop by Dr. Preston VanLoon on the process of forgiving. He has researched and taught the topic extensively and presented some very informative material.
He began by explaining what forgiveness is NOT:
- It is not a pardon. A pardon only happens when there is a judicial process; when both parties share the facts and a decision is made to excuse or pardon an act. Forgiveness is a personal, one person process.
- It is not reconciliation. Forgiveness is an internal process and reconciliation is a behavioral act of coming together. You do not have to reconcile to forgive but you must forgive to reconcile.
- It is not condoning or excusing. Condoning means that you have "put up" with the injustice and to excuse it would require judgment that the event is not worth the quarrel.
- It is not a justification. That would require that it is fair or just. The offense worthy of forgiveness must be unfair.
- It is not self-centered. Forgiveness is not just to get rid of strong negative emotions. It also means that there is a willingness to join with the other person (see them as a fellow human) and to change your judgment of them. That is not to say that we must literally join with them but we are returning to them their human dignity…which leads us to be more compassionate.
- It is not allowing emotions to diminish over time. It is an active and ongoing struggle.
- It is NOT forgetting. Remembering is our defense against the behavior being repeated against us.
- It is not just saying "I forgive you". It is more than words if there is still underlying emotions. We can say the words as many times as we want but if we do not work through the past hurts we have not truly forgiven.
- It is not synonymous with mourning. Forgiveness happens in the context of an aggressive act (something done to us), not in relation to grief.
- It is not absolution. The offender is not absolved of their offense. They continue to be responsible for what was done and must make their own peace with their past.
- It is not self-sacrifice. It is not swallowing up our own feelings and playing the martyr, saying we are OK when we are not, in spite of the pain.
- It is NOT a one time decision. It cannot be forced and it happens has a result of confronting the pain one has experienced and healing those wounds. It is a process….
So now we know what it is NOT…but what is it. We may have read about it in the bible, we may have been told by our parents how they have done it…we may have even see others do it…but WHAT IS IT? Dr. Van Loon presented some very interesting characteristics of exactly what it IS…
Forgiveness happens between people only. There is no need to forgive inanimate objects. We do not forgive situations or things that have hurt us. The goal is to forgive the people that presented those situations to us.
Forgiveness always follows a significant injury (psychological, emotional, physical, or moral) by another person against us. It must be something directly done to us that causes us pain. We get to decide if the injury qualifies, but it is important that we ensure that the injury was as directly focused on us. For instance, as parents we may feel the need to forgive the drunk driver who injured our child. Although the injury (physical) was not directly inflicted on us, there is an injury (emotional) worthy of forgiveness.
Forgiveness also requires that the offense be a part of our objective reality. It is not just our perception of injury or something that "feels" like an injury. In other words, it must have really happened.
Forgiveness also requires that we have a sense of being "wronged", that there has been an injustice committed against us. We cannot seek to forgive someone for hurting themselves or for making bad choices necessarily. The person must have done something to us that was unfair.
Forgiveness also means that you give up your right to retaliation. Forgiveness is not revenge or revengeful. It is a personal act that we do, not a behavior that we do to others.
Forgiveness also does not require that the other person apologize. How could we ever forgive those who have passed on? Again, forgiveness is not a two person process. Because forgiveness allows us to find peace with our own emotions and past hurts, it does not require the act of another person.
Forgiveness also does not require that the offender intended to hurt us. As mentioned above the offense is based on our reality and our reality is that the offense hurt us. If there was no intention and that is explained it may make forgiveness not necessary. But the flip side of that coin is that if the offender did not intend to hurt us, but did we may still need to forgive.
Finally, the way we forgive and the amount of time it takes to forgive are fluid, in others words, it is different for everyone. Often times it is based on the severity of the event and the quality of the relationships involved in the offense. It also is dependent on our ability to truly understand the process of forgiveness.
One thing I know for sure is that it is a personal decision. There is no "team" in forgiveness. There is an "I" however…right there in the center. At the heart of forgiveness is you. It is a singular decision that you make. No one else. You don't forgive because your God tells you so, or because your mama tells you so or because it is the "right thing to do". Forgiveness is for you.
VanLoon, Preston. Using Interpersonal Forgiveness to Bring Healing to Relational Hurt and Pain. American Counseling Association National Conference, 2009.
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