Thursday, September 20, 2012

On the radio...

Jennifer Young, MS-RMHCI speaks with Dr. Laurie Roth on The Roth Show 

How Do Psychopaths Get Into Positions of Power?

Power positions are all around us, from police officers like Drew Peterson, in the military, to elected government officials and white collar executives and those sitting in the board rooms of powerful corporations. Often these people are not quite what they seem, wearing a mask for the public to see, yet something totally different on the inside. They portray themselves to the public as having empathy, charm, and charisma, but their controlling ways and harmful thoughts are just below the surface.

Down through history we’ve seen many examples of the manifestation of their evils, some very blatant, but many continue to wield their power quietly under the radar. So, what makes them tick and how do they get into these positions of power? Why are we not seeing the red flags and warning signs before putting our trust in those who will ultimately destroy?

Back to Drew Peterson, recently convicted for the murder of third wife Kathleen Savio, and whose fourth wife, Stacy Peterson, has been missing for five years, they have no problem moving from one relationship to another, escalating their destructive ways and leaving chaos, and sometimes murder, in their paths. As a result of this case, Susan Murphy Milano developed the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit, allowing victims of abuse to circumvent most hearsay laws and record a testimonial affidavit in the event something bad happens to them. While we will not see this happen on a widespread level, we can help those caught under the thumb of a power hungry and controlling partner to safely escape their pathological love relationships.

Jennifer Young, a therapist and client coach at The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction will discuss the enigma of white collar psychopathy and how so many reach powerful positions undetected.


Thursday, July 19, 2012

I Got This...

Pathological Love Relationship Series-Part 4
(This article is part of a series of articles I am writing for The Institute for Relationship Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education on the traits and characteristics that women posses who find themselves in relationships with pathological men. If you believe that you are in a dangerous relationship or would like to read more about the issue, please visit www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com)

Thomas Jefferson said, "Never trouble another for what you can do yourself." I think we can agree that these words are true for most of us, and a great way to live your life. But, they could not be more inaccurate when talking about a psychopath - in fact they probably see these words and think..."suckers." The truth is, psychopaths are amazingly resourceful, and their greatest tool for being resourceful is you.

Resourcefulness by definition means that you are able to meet the needs of a situation and can develop the necessary means to accomplish a task. Being resourceful is a highly valuable trait, so consequently those who are very high in the trait of resourcefulness (like women who have been in relationships with psychopaths) often have very successful lives...great careers, wonderful children, and a great circle of friends.

You are often the person that:
  • Others turn to in a time of need or struggle
  • Are able to find ways to get things done that others might have thought impossible
  • Find resources where there were none
  • Get help when others were turned down
  • Can rally any number of people to the cause

Most importantly, you have a great combination of inner and outer resources. Your inner resource examples are creativity, intelligence, confidence, courage, or passion. Your outer resources are people, money, or technology. When used together - you can accomplish anything.

It is important to realize there is a difference in the resourcefulness of you and the resourcefulness of a psychopath. The psychopath is resourceful off the backs of others. The word that comes to mind is "exploitive."

Thomas Jefferson's words would be twisted into something like this - "Never do for yourself what you can convince others to do for you." In this way of pathological thinking, the psychopath's view is a negative use of a positive trait. You can easily be fooled into believing that your psychopath is so "resourceful" because he always seems to get things done. If you stop and become an observer, you will see that there is a trail of destruction behind every step he takes. Resourcefulness is part of his mask, so even you (as one of his resources) will be used as the mask. As Sandra says, "He is sicker than you are smart." So, no matter how smart you are in using your resources, his resources of exploitation and diabolical behavior is stronger. This exploitive and diabolical use of resources wins every time.

Herein lies the risk: You will use all of your resources trying to "fix" or "help" him. You've got the resources to do it - the connections, the know-how - and in most cases, the means to fix things. Add to your resourcefulness a little bit of oxytocin, and you're toast. That's because we are compelled, as humans, to bond with those we love. Oxytocin does that for us because as humans we need to be bonded to others. Part of bonding and maintaining a lasting relationship is being resourceful together - "I'll help you, you help me." The problem is this is a perfect fit for a psychopath, because they view the world as "suckers." In most cases they are energy exploiters and look for others to do their work, or they exploit because it's fun to watch others do what they have directed them to do.

So now, you have created a cycle - he's broken, you fix, he says thank you, then he breaks again, you fix, he says thank you, and so on. This cycle is one of the reasons you stay so long, because you are always in between him "breaking" and you "fixing." He never fixes himself - but you are on a mission - "I love him, and this what you do for someone you love." So, years have passed, nothing has changed with him, but you are completely exhausted. Your resources are tapped out. You have no more creativity, you feel dumb (nothing has worked), have no confidence, and your courage has turned to fear. Those outer resources are probably gone too - the money, the friends - all of it.

But herein lies YOUR benefit: Your resourcefulness can become a real problem for a psychopath, and isn't that what you want about now? When you are ready you will, and can, outthink him. What I know is that "he is sicker than you are smart," BUT only until you get smart.

You have the ability to be confident enough to make real changes. Let's face it, you have been courageous for a big piece of your life - you've been with a pathological partner, and that takes a form of courage. So, those internal RESOURCES are exactly what is needed THAT CAN BE USED FOR GETTING AWAY.

How do those resources look in action?

  • You will call everyone you know to get the truth and get help.
  • You will call ex's, you will tap phones, and you will search computers.
  • You will put the pieces together, stop doing for him and begin to do for yourself.

Once that final pathological event happens that produces eyes-wide-open reality, it will be your resourcefulness that lifts you out and moves you on. Not sure your traits can hang on long enough to be a benefit for you? The good news is your traits are hard-wired in you. They are not going away. So even though at the end of the relationship it feels as if he has drained you and your resources are depleted...he has not. Your ability to be resourceful is still there because it has always been one of your strongest traits.

You can begin by accessing your internal resources. Strengthen them by exercising your creativity, by challenging yourself and taking those steps to live pathology-free, and by massaging your courageousness. While you're at it, you can also engage your external resources by reaching out to old friends and co-workers, re-engage at work (to build up your financial resources), or stepping out and doing something you've always dreamed about.

My favorite idea for the rebuilding of resourcefulness is reaching out to those friends and family who always told you he was the problem. You can bring them back to you as a supporter by telling them they were right. If an old friend or distant family member was once a valuable resource, then humble yourself, call them and tell them your story, and get your resource back. Step by step you will begin grabbing hold of one of your best traits - your own resourcefulness to rebuild your life.

For more information about pathology and your recovery pathological love relationships, visit www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Saturday, June 16, 2012

What Will You Do?


In May, 2012, Vicki Bolling lay dying in her front yard, shot three times by her husband.  The local news reports say that the death of Ms. Bolling was no surprise to her sons.  According to news accounts, her sons report that she suffered years of physical and emotional abuse that included threats, manipulation and intimidation.  She was married for 30 years.  Her son, John Stevenson, is quoted as saying “She is the only one in the world who could love a monster.” (Tampa Bay Times, May 10, 2012)

We know that she is not the only one…we know that loving a “monster” is possible.  For women that love psychopaths, love and monster often exist in the same thought.  The problem is, someone who has never been in the midst of this level of psychological trauma may not understand…they don’t understand why women stay…why women don’t see how bad he is.  This lack of understanding of the power of pathology is killing women. 

Domestic homicide is preventable.  The mission of the Fatality Review Committee in Pinellas County, Florida is to convey that message.  It is the responsibility of the Pinellas County Fatality Review Committee to bring to the table members of the community who share a vested interest in uncovering patterns related to local domestic homicides.  In the last twelve years, the team has reviewed 103 cases.  Cases are reviewed only after those cases have been finalized in the criminal justice system.

Domestic homicide, both locally and nationally, does not occur in a vacuum…there are warning signs and in a community, there are trends.  Our report, published in May 2012, outlines the seven trends in our community for domestic homicides. 
1-In 89% of cases there had been no contact with the local domestic violence center.  Domestic homicide is preventable when victims reach out to domestic violence centers for safety and resources. 
2-In 89% of the cases there had been no referral to a batterer’s intervention program.  Domestic homicide is preventable when perpetrators connect with batterer’s intervention programs and their underlying behaviors and beliefs are addressed.
3-In 88% of cases there was a male perpetrator and female victim.  Domestic homicide is preventable when our society shifts to the belief that all people are of equal value and control over others is no longer the standard.
4-In 85% of cases there was no injunction for protection filed.  Domestic homicide is preventable when victims are encouraged to file injunctions for protection and have access to information and safety planning to assist in the process of leaving. 
5-In 76% of cases substance abuse was a contributing factor.  Domestic homicide is preventable when those who have a substance abuse problem are assessed for issues related to violence, both perpetrators and victims. 
6-In 68% of the cases the perpetrator had a prior criminal history.  Domestic homicide is preventable when criminal history is identified as a pattern of behavior and the information is made openly available to victims and during domestic violence court hearings. 
7-In 69% of the cases friends, family, coworkers and/or neighbors were aware of previous violence. Domestic homicide is preventable when everyone in the community takes a stand against violence; stop asking why she doesn’t leave and start asking what you can do to help her leave.

These trends mean something.  A “trend” refers to the idea or awareness of repeated, connected events.  It’s not a black and white predictor but rather a clue to a potential.  Trends are used in many areas of our lives.  Many follow financial trends or housing market trends; some look at trends related to medical issues and even trends in our environment.  Those that use trends take advantage of facts and information found in the reality of our lives…trends don’t rely on the maybe’s of the past but rather the truth that exists in the past. 

What is powerful about trends is their ability to provide safeguards as well as hope.  Trends help us connect missing pieces to prevent poor choices and they help us highlight information that will lead to improved choices.  If we are open to it, they translate into the framework for prevention.
Prevention in the area of domestic homicide is risky.  The risk comes because of the severity of getting it right or getting it wrong…human life is at stake.  But I believe we must move through the risk.  By “move through” I mean acknowledge it…learn from it and then see what follows.  So, beyond acknowledging the risk lies a focus on prevention.

The trends that have come from our local review of domestic homicide highlight many areas that need more focus.  The realities of these trends are not unlike acknowledging the realities of pathology.  Identifying patterns of behavior in one person and accepting the reality of who they are can help prevent continued pain.  We have to begin to call it as it is…we have to pay attention to the facts and the patterns of behavior. 

So, what will you do?  I invite you to be an observer-begin to pay attention to the people around you.  As you observe the behavior of others do so without judgment…without including your “opinion” about who they are…leave out the morals that might have been handed to you or the input of society that doesn’t fit for you.  Observe the behavior as it is…look for patterns… and when you uncover a pattern that violates who you are…or violates the boundaries of someone you love….do something.

As part of the mission of The Institute we ask you to spread the word about the power and impact of pathology. Share this report with those in your community that are invested in saving lives.  Talk to them about the trends and patterns and about pathology.  Domestic Homicide Fatality Review Teams are active in many states and communities…what can you contribute to the conversation?  If your community is not talking about dangerous relationships then you can be the start…do something.

Finally, if you are experiencing physical and psychological abuse, please consider creating an Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit.  To learn more, visit www.documenttheabuse.com

To read the full report “Preventable: A Review of Domestic Fatalities in Pinellas County, Florida”, click here:   http://www.largo.com/egov/docs/1337974149_814671.pdf

Friday, March 9, 2012

Enjoy some magic...

A new kind of magic...




Thursday, March 8, 2012

Happy International Women's Day!


A day to celebrate the social, economic and political achievements of women!

Take some time today and celebrate all that has been accomplished by women...that includes YOU!  What have you contributed to the world...your world.  Tiny contributions add up...you create a ripple in the world.
Be proud to shake things up, create change, make a difference!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Lie Spotting


I stumbled upon this great talk last year by Pamela Meyer who wrote the book "Liespotting".  Being a lie spotter is a skill.  Many times I am asked about how to go on after a pathological love relationship.  There is not one short answer but having the skill of spotting a lie is a good place to start.  It is important to look for a pattern of behavior...that takes time.  So, while you may be engaging in a new relationship or evaluating the state of a current relationship take some time to develop the skill of lie spotting.  For more information about the book, check out Ms. Meyer's website: www.liespotting.com