Guilt vs. Shame

Many of us have grown up with some level of guilt and shame. It is a part of what parents do to help us make good choices, right. But in some cases it is brought on by trauma. Something scary and frightening that we did not expect. Something that took us by surprise and we are have a hard time working through. Well, it is important to understand these two important emotional states. If you can separate them you can gain a clearer understanding.

Guilt and shame are not the same thing. Guilt is generated by something outside of us or by something we do to someone else. It is the bad feeling brought on by an action, a mistake, something outside of your self. Guilt can be helpful because it can tell us if we have wronged someone or need to make amends. Guilt will motivate us to seek forgiveness. Can you forgive yourself for your past mistakes? What positive behaviors can you engage in that will help you move past feelings of guilt?

Shame is the internalized feeling-the belief that you are the mistake and you cannot change it. Shame means you feel bad about who you are. These feelings of shame do not come to everyone. There are people who commit acts that they may feel bad about or they consider mistakes, but they do not feel shame. However, others feel shame. Shame is based in our own sense of self worth. It is based in the facts we believe about our self that we are no good and not worthy. It comes from being treated in a degrading manner and believing that is how we should be treated. As a child, we may not know that these feelings are developing. They may develop and become part of who we are because we never knew any differently.

Shame is self-inflicted. It includes feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, embarrassment and disappointment. Shame can lead to self-injurious behaviors. It often does not take the form of anger or aggression because the feelings attributed are aimed at our own inadequacies.

So here are some beliefs you may have internalized. You can change your beliefs by changing your thoughts. Try making the change....

Shameful beliefs...Healthy Beliefs:

I cannot take risk…I can take risks

I am not allowed to be seen or heard...I want to be seen and heard

I am invisible….I am important

To avoid disapproval, I do things I don't want to do…I will do the things I want to do

I am not allowed to ask for what I need…I will ask for what I need

I am inferior to others...I am equal to everyone and my differences make me unique

I must treat myself negatively because I am bad...I am good and I make mistakes

My beliefs about myself are all negative...I believe that I can change my beliefs

I must be perfect...I am not perfect

I am disappointment to...I always seek to be my personal best

My interests, choices and wants are not of value to others...I am of value to those around me

If something goes wrong in my world, it is my fault...I make mistakes but I am not my mistake

I constantly look for ways to prove I am to blame for...I accept responsibility and then forgive myself

For more information about forgiving yourself, check out my previous post on forgiveness.

For more information about overcoming guilt and shame, check out the PTSD Workbook

Williams, M.B., Poijula, S. The PTSD Workbook: Simple Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symtoms. New Harbinger Publications. 2002

This is your brain...on drugs...

This is your brain on drugs. Really...this is what the activity in your brain looks like using a SPECT scan. Dr. Daniel Amen has been using the scans for many years to learn how the brain is damaged by the use of drugs. What you see is the activity. You are seeing the energy that is created when your neurons are firing with the help of neurotransmitters (the naturally occurring brain chemicals that assist in brain communication)

The first picture is a normal brain. Notice how smooth it is and symmetrical. The bottom is the pre-frontal cortex...the front of your brain. The top is the occipital lobe...the back of your brain.

So this next brain (pictured below) is obviously a little "in active" in some areas. Notice that there are gaping holes in many areas. These are not really holes, but rather areas where the brain is in-active. The neurotransmitters have diminished in function so the brain has stopped functioning. An important thing to know about drugs us is that all drugs (pot, alcohol, cocaine, opiates...) all are artificial neurotransmitters. They fool the brain. If you do those drugs long enough your brain realizes it does not need to produce the neurotransmitter and stops.

This is what that looks like. This brain is of a person who is 39 years old and has been a heavy weekend drinker for 17 years...

The next brain scan (pictured below) is that of a person who is actively using drugs and alcohol. There are many areas that are in-active at the time of use.

This brain is the same person above after one year of sobriety. Now, what we know about the brain for sure is that it is resilient. It can heal itself. Rather, it can begin producing those neurotransmitters again, if the person stops using.

Here's one for those of you who have teenagers who have told you that smoking pot is no big deal. The brain below is a normal brain with activity shown as the red areas. You can see that all parts of the brain have "red" areas of activity. This person is receiving the information (bottom, back of the brain) and is using the front (or top) of the brain to decide what to do with the information. The sides of the brain show memory and emotional reaction...
all working and active.

Now, check this out. This brain...same person...smoking marijuana. The information is coming in...but it is going no where. See that little red dot in the middle. That is our middle brain...primary function..food, sex, fight or flight etc...it's slightly active. Pretty scary, right?

We are really lucky to live in a time to have access to this great information. Some of it confirms what we have known for years. Your brain does get fried (just like those sizzling eggs in the commercial) from using drugs. But now that we know this...can we do something different?
I hope you do.

For more information about Dr. Amen's SPECT Scans, click here.
For information about twelve step meetings in your area, click here.

An Old Cherokee Legend...

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."

He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

So, which wolf will you feed and which wolf will you teach your children to feed.

Jennrain Believes

This blog is a place for me to share what I believe with you. Because learning is the core of growth I hope that this space will be a learning experience for you. Although some of what you read here will constitute some opinion, I hope to bring insightful, fact based information on topics that will help you learn more about yourself. Most importantly, I hope that you carefully ponder what you read and use it to grow strong.
There are some very important beliefs that I hold to be my truths. This is the place from which I speak to you:

I believe you are complete and whole just as you are. I believe you have all the skills, strengths, wisdom and love inside of you. This is your whole heart. This heart is there when you are not there for yourself. It does not fail you.

I believe that if we are damaged or hurt by others we can uncover a layer of our self and find a stronger, newer layer underneath. This uncovering takes hard work, insight, strength, desire and love.

I believe we are not our mistake. We are the choice we make as a result of that mistake. It is important to always do the next right thing.

I believe that we are motivated by our desire to achieve. Our desire to achieve goodness, joy, love, friendship, contentment, wealth, and success motivate us to change.

I believe that we are complex and only we truly know who we are. We are different in every way and that is what makes us special. There is a spectrum of goodness and badness, male and female, strong and weak. We move along this spectrum throughout our lives, sometimes settling where we were meant to be and sometimes testing others. Once we are where we belong, if we can get quiet long enough, we will know it.

I believe that our environment can change us and that we can change our environment. Our culture and ethnicity can be who we are but it can also be taught to us. We can change our life space and change who shares that space with us.

I also believe that as we change, the world around us changes. Sometimes it is our responsibility to help the world change, by sharing our experiences or speaking out on behalf of others. Sometimes our world changes because we change. Either way, our change causes a ripple. This ripple can change the world around us.

Forgiveness-What It Is Not...

Ever wonder what forgiveness is? Ever believe that you should forgive someone but just can't? Ever been told you have to forgive someone…because it is the right thing to do? Well, there are a few things that I have learned about forgiveness that you might find interesting.

At the 2009 American Counseling Association Annual Conference I was privileged to participate in a workshop by Dr. Preston VanLoon on the process of forgiving. He has researched and taught the topic extensively and presented some very informative material.

He began by explaining what forgiveness is NOT:

• It is not a pardon. A pardon only happens when there is a judicial process; when both parties share the facts and a decision is made to excuse or pardon an act. Forgiveness is a personal, one person process.
• It is not reconciliation. Forgiveness is an internal process and reconciliation is a behavioral act of coming together. You do not have to reconcile to forgive but you must forgive to reconcile.
• It is not condoning or excusing. Condoning means that you have "put up" with the injustice and to excuse it would require judgment that the event is not worth the quarrel.
• It is not a justification. That would require that it is fair or just. The offense worthy of forgiveness must be unfair.
• It is not self-centered. Forgiveness is not just to get rid of strong negative emotions. It also means that there is a willingness to join with the other person (see them as a fellow human) and to change your judgment of them. That is not to say that we must literally join with them but we are returning to them their human dignity…which leads us to be more compassionate.
• It is not allowing emotions to diminish over time. It is an active and ongoing struggle.
• It is NOT forgetting. Remembering is our defense against the behavior being repeated against us.
• It is not just saying "I forgive you". It is more than words if there is still underlying emotions. We can say the words as many times as we want but if we do not work through the past hurts we have not truly forgiven.
• It is not synonymous with mourning. Forgiveness happens in the context of an aggressive act (something done to us), not in relation to grief.
• It is not absolution. The offender is not absolved of their offense. They continue to be responsible for what was done and must make their own peace with their past.
• It is not self-sacrifice. It is not swallowing up our own feelings and playing the martyr, saying we are OK when we are not, in spite of the pain.
• It is NOT a one time decision. It cannot be forced and it happens has a result of confronting the pain one has experienced and healing those wounds. It is a process….

So now we know what it is NOT…but what is it. We may have read about it in the bible, we may have been told by our parents how they have done it…we may have even see others do it…but WHAT IS IT? Dr. Van Loon presented some very interesting characteristics of exactly what it IS…

Forgiveness happens between people only. There is no need to forgive inanimate objects. We do not forgive situations or things that have hurt us. The goal is to forgive the people that presented those situations to us.

Forgiveness always follows a significant injury (psychological, emotional, physical, or moral) by another person against us. It must be something directly done to us that causes us pain. We get to decide if the injury qualifies, but it is important that we ensure that the injury was as directly focused on us. For instance, as parents we may feel the need to forgive the drunk driver who injured our child. Although the injury (physical) was not directly inflicted on us, there is an injury (emotional) worthy of forgiveness.

Forgiveness also requires that the offense be a part of our objective reality. It is not just our perception of injury or something that "feels" like an injury. In other words, it must have really happened.

Forgiveness also requires that we have a sense of being "wronged", that there has been an injustice committed against us. We cannot seek to forgive someone for hurting themselves or for making bad choices necessarily. The person must have done something to us that was unfair.

Forgiveness also means that you give up your right to retaliation. Forgiveness is not revenge or revengeful. It is a personal act that we do, not a behavior that we do to others.

Forgiveness also does not require that the other person apologize. How could we ever forgive those who have passed on? Again, forgiveness is not a two person process. Because forgiveness allows us to find peace with our own emotions and past hurts, it does not require the act of another person.

Forgiveness also does not require that the offender intended to hurt us. As mentioned above the offense is based on our reality and our reality is that the offense hurt us. If there was no intention and that is explained it may make forgiveness not necessary. But the flip side of that coin is that if the offender did not intend to hurt us, but did we may still need to forgive.

Finally, the way we forgive and the amount of time it takes to forgive are fluid, in others words, it is different for everyone. Often times it is based on the severity of the event and the quality of the relationships involved in the offense. It also is dependent on our ability to truly understand the process of forgiveness.

One thing I know for sure is that it is a personal decision. There is no "team" in forgiveness. There is an "I" however…right there in the center. At the heart of forgiveness is you. It is a singular decision that you make. No one else. You don't forgive because your God tells you so, or because your mama tells you so or because it is the "right thing to do". Forgiveness is for you.

VanLoon, Preston. Using Interpersonal Forgiveness to Bring Healing to Relational Hurt and Pain. American Counseling Association National Conference, 2009.