Ever wonder what forgiveness is? Ever believe that you should forgive someone but just can't? Ever been told you have to forgive someone…because it is the right thing to do? Well, there are a few things that I have learned about forgiveness that you might find interesting.
At the 2009 American Counseling Association Annual Conference I was privileged to participate in a workshop by Dr. Preston VanLoon on the process of forgiving. He has researched and taught the topic extensively and presented some very informative material.
He began by explaining what forgiveness is NOT:
- It is not a pardon. A pardon only happens when there is a judicial process; when both parties share the facts and a decision is made to excuse or pardon an act. Forgiveness is a personal, one person process.
- It is not reconciliation. Forgiveness is an internal process and reconciliation is a behavioral act of coming together. You do not have to reconcile to forgive but you must forgive to reconcile.
- It is not condoning or excusing. Condoning means that you have "put up" with the injustice and to excuse it would require judgment that the event is not worth the quarrel.
- It is not a justification. That would require that it is fair or just. The offense worthy of forgiveness must be unfair.
- It is not self-centered. Forgiveness is not just to get rid of strong negative emotions. It also means that there is a willingness to join with the other person (see them as a fellow human) and to change your judgment of them. That is not to say that we must literally join with them but we are returning to them their human dignity…which leads us to be more compassionate.
- It is not allowing emotions to diminish over time. It is an active and ongoing struggle.
- It is NOT forgetting. Remembering is our defense against the behavior being repeated against us.
- It is not just saying "I forgive you". It is more than words if there is still underlying emotions. We can say the words as many times as we want but if we do not work through the past hurts we have not truly forgiven.
- It is not synonymous with mourning. Forgiveness happens in the context of an aggressive act (something done to us), not in relation to grief.
- It is not absolution. The offender is not absolved of their offense. They continue to be responsible for what was done and must make their own peace with their past.
- It is not self-sacrifice. It is not swallowing up our own feelings and playing the martyr, saying we are OK when we are not, in spite of the pain.
- It is NOT a one time decision. It cannot be forced and it happens has a result of confronting the pain one has experienced and healing those wounds. It is a process….
So now we know what it is NOT…but what is it. We may have read about it in the bible, we may have been told by our parents how they have done it…we may have even see others do it…but WHAT IS IT? Dr. Van Loon presented some very interesting characteristics of exactly what it IS…
Forgiveness happens between people only. There is no need to forgive inanimate objects. We do not forgive situations or things that have hurt us. The goal is to forgive the people that presented those situations to us.
Forgiveness always follows a significant injury (psychological, emotional, physical, or moral) by another person against us. It must be something directly done to us that causes us pain. We get to decide if the injury qualifies, but it is important that we ensure that the injury was as directly focused on us. For instance, as parents we may feel the need to forgive the drunk driver who injured our child. Although the injury (physical) was not directly inflicted on us, there is an injury (emotional) worthy of forgiveness.
Forgiveness also requires that the offense be a part of our objective reality. It is not just our perception of injury or something that "feels" like an injury. In other words, it must have really happened.
Forgiveness also requires that we have a sense of being "wronged", that there has been an injustice committed against us. We cannot seek to forgive someone for hurting themselves or for making bad choices necessarily. The person must have done something to us that was unfair.
Forgiveness also means that you give up your right to retaliation. Forgiveness is not revenge or revengeful. It is a personal act that we do, not a behavior that we do to others.
Forgiveness also does not require that the other person apologize. How could we ever forgive those who have passed on? Again, forgiveness is not a two person process. Because forgiveness allows us to find peace with our own emotions and past hurts, it does not require the act of another person.
Forgiveness also does not require that the offender intended to hurt us. As mentioned above the offense is based on our reality and our reality is that the offense hurt us. If there was no intention and that is explained it may make forgiveness not necessary. But the flip side of that coin is that if the offender did not intend to hurt us, but did we may still need to forgive.
Finally, the way we forgive and the amount of time it takes to forgive are fluid, in others words, it is different for everyone. Often times it is based on the severity of the event and the quality of the relationships involved in the offense. It also is dependent on our ability to truly understand the process of forgiveness.
One thing I know for sure is that it is a personal decision. There is no "team" in forgiveness. There is an "I" however…right there in the center. At the heart of forgiveness is you. It is a singular decision that you make. No one else. You don't forgive because your God tells you so, or because your mama tells you so or because it is the "right thing to do". Forgiveness is for you.
VanLoon, Preston. Using Interpersonal Forgiveness to Bring Healing to Relational Hurt and Pain. American Counseling Association National Conference, 2009.
