Breathe...

"Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

Your breath is your life. It is the power that moves you. It is the energy that drives you. It is the fire that keeps you alive. Your breath keeps you focused on the task at hand. Your breath helps you slow down and relax. Your breath moves through your body like a river, creating life along it’s banks.

In pathological relationship recovery, all of these things are needed. The things that your breath provides are the things that will help you get better. You need power, energy, fire, focus, relaxation and to create life again. So, it makes sense that a big part of recovery is that you learn to breathe again.

It seems odd that you might need to learn to breathe again, but you do. You lost control of your breath the moment you were first traumatized in the pathological relationship. That first red flag that rose took your breath away. The first time he called you a nasty name, or showed up unannounced when you had said you were going to be busy, or anytime his masked slipped enough for you to see his pathology. These are moments when your breath became off balance for the first time. Your breath took over in a sense. You may have not felt it; but you sensed it.

When you experience a trauma your body leaps into survival mode. In order for you to survive, certain primary functions must lead the way. Your breath first stops and slows which signals a release of adrenaline. This process then tells your body to be on alert. Other physiological symptoms occur like sweating, confusion, a fast heart beat. Through the event your breath is moving in a pressured way…often making your chest feel heavy. As the perception of the trauma resolves you come back to yourself. But what happens in a pathological relationship is that you never really leave the exposure to the trauma. So, you never really come back to yourself. Your body and breath is always on alert, off balance, unsure of when the next moment of fear will occur.

After an extended exposure to psychological trauma, your breath is not even on your radar. When you live “in trauma” you stop being able to sense your breath and often miss the other physiological symptoms too. You are so busy “thinking” in circles that your body’s warning signs and symptoms are “normalized”. This is the epitome of losing yourself. Without this awareness and mindfulness you are not present. Your mind is taking you on a journey outside of the present moment, "What do I do next?”, “What did I do wrong?”, “What can I do to make this stop?” With these thoughts come the behavioral options - fight, flight or freeze.

There is another way through trauma and trauma recovery…breathe. Being able to regain the mindfulness of breathing can change everything. Whether you are still in the midst of trauma or working hard to recover from it; the focus on breathing is crucial. It is really the foundation for recovery.

You can begin by learning how to take good, deep breaths. In through your nose…count to three slowly as you inhale…and out through your mouth…count to three as you exhale. As you breathe listen to the sound of the breath moving in through your nose, and hear the breath leaving your mouth. Feel the coolness and the relaxing sensation of each breath. Stay present and focused with each breath.

After you learn to breathe again, add daily scheduled time to practice. It is recommended that you spend 15-20 minutes each night before bed practicing relaxation and mindful breathing. You can start with a shorter time frame and build up to the full 20 minutes. After you believe you have mastered the breathing, you can begin to add in mindfulness skills like turning your mind to thoughts on your immediate sensations. Turn your mind to take in the sights around you, the sounds you hear, the sensations you feel or the scents you smell. When your mind wanders, bring it back to the present and immediate moment. Focus on just what is within your own space.

So, now you can begin to catch your breath. You can begin the process of calming your body, your mind and your spirit. When you are breathing in a calm and measured way, you are at your best. With a steady breath, you will be able to think clearly, respond smartly and behave in a way that is safe.

It all begins with one slow, deep breath.

Relational Harm Reduction Radio-Won't Be Fooled Again

Our inaugural episode...

Won't Be Fooled Again 03/07 by Relational Harm Reduction | Blog Talk Radio

Feeling Sentimental?

Valentines Day, Easter, Memorial Day, The Fourth of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas;  Your birthday, your anniversary, the birth of a baby, a promotion, a graduation.  Feeling sentimental?  I bet you are!  You might be feeling a bit of tenderness, compassion, joy, sadness or anger.  It doesn’t take much.  Just the idea of these holidays or events can elicit a wave of emotion.  

Sentimentality is a feeling.  That’s it.  It is you, responding to a memory.  Feeling sentimental is not the memory but the feeling that it elicits.  That is important to understand.  Pathologicals want you to feel.  When you feel, they are in control. 

Herein lies the risk: He used your sentimentality against you.  Think about how many times you were in a disagreement and he brought you roses.  In that moment your emotion instantly shifted away from his offense and on to the first time he brought you roses.  He might have manipulated your sentimentality when he talked about your children-their birth, their accomplishments, their struggles.  In those moments your attention turned away from his betrayal or lack of parenting and towards the idea of “family” and the bond that was crafted.  He would send loving cards to you as he’s wooing someone else.  He used your sentimentality as a distraction.  When you were overwhelmed with the feeling of sentimentality, you certainly struggle with staying angry or confused or disgusted. 

Additionally, when the cognitive dissonance of “he’s good/he’s bad” is in full swing, this strategy of sentimentality manipulation is one of the things that pulls you back to his side.  It’s the part of the relationship that you buy into with so much intensity.  You have 5, 10, even 20 years of memories that he can draw on to pull you back to him.  Each one of those memories is a point of manipulation on their own…but then he uses them over and over again to reinforce his mask.  And you thought it was just another Christmas!!!

Herein lies the benefit: Let’s face it-it is healthy to feel sentimental.  Your sentimentality is a reminder that you can bond, in a healthy, emotional and equally connected way.  That’s good news.  You also have the ability to rationally reflect on the reality of those dates.  If you can step back and be an observer of those days you can see the pathology.  Being an observer means that you look past how you felt to see what you saw.  When you look back at the facts, the pieces come together.  You see the flowers he brought with the shifty smile as if he gotten one over on you.  You see the pretty birthday jewelry followed by the night he didn’t come home.  You see the holiday dinner that included insults, projection and persecution.  By the time the relationship ended, your sentimentality had been drained.  He kept you spinning with the emotions of sentimentality so much that now…when it’s over you probably want to run and hide as these dates approach.  It’s this disdain and disgust that contributed to you leaving.  Again, it’s a good thing-that is the benefit.  It was part of your awareness process that leads to a full awaking.  As hard as it is to look back at those dates, it is powerful to know that SEEING the pathology is what freed you from it.  And as usual, once you saw it you left.

Ultimately, if sentimentality is just a feeling then the dates are just the dates.  He doesn’t own them.  You do.  They are just days in the past, events in time in which you were manipulated into believing the picture he painted.  Once you begin to separate out those days from the new dates head, healing can be enhanced.  Easter of 2009 will look nothing like Easter 2013.  Your birthday in 2002 will look nothing like your birthday in 2013.  This year, this date, this event you will be in control.  You will be in the place you want to be, with the people you want to be around, accepting and giving gifts of your choosing in a fully present and genuine way.  No manipulation, no gaslighting, no devaluing, no cognitive dissonance.

  

Don’t ever run away from your emotions.  They are powerful tools-you need them and must treasure them.  They do help us give meaning to every moment, every event, every day.  They are a part of a very valuable human experience.  Together with rational thoughts, reflection and perspective, emotions can create strength in you like you have never known.  This year, be strong.  Take on each event with a new sense of vigor and excitement.  Take your days back-make new memories-feel new feelings.  The further you get from pathology, the more your mind will become filled with the genuine feeling of sentimentality.  Each year that passes you can look back at the events of 2013 with tenderness and joy-it was the year you ROCKED IT!

Touched by Tragedy

On Friday, December 14, 2012 America was touched by tragedy again.  In Newtown, Connecticut 27 adults and children lost their lives and all of their family and friends felt the ripple of fear, anger, loss, and grief.  This type of tragedy unfortunately is not unusual in our society.  Across the country there have been countless mass shootings in the last several decades from Seattle, to Aurora, to Jonesboro and Fort Hood.  These shootings don’t even begin to complete the list of national tragedies.  Each day in America we are touched by other tragedies- a catastrophic weather event like Sandy, forest fires like those in Colorado, California earthquakes, or the loss of military service personnel.

So what do all of these events have in common with a pathological love relationship?  They all elicit a potential trauma reaction in you.  Being touched by tragedy is more than just a little sadness or empathy if you are suffering from the symptoms of PTSD.  When you are exposed to national tragedies your brain registers the event as real, vivid, and live.  Your unconscious brain has a hard time distinguishing what is happening now and what has happened in the past.  When this happens, any event can seem like it is happening to you now.  You begin to sweat, your heart beats fast and your breathing pattern changes.  Your mind flies into survival mode and you may even feel the need to isolate as a measure of protection from harm. 

Beyond the physical symptoms are the thoughts that begin to swirl around.  When you are traumatized or triggered, your brain is flooded by emotions and so often these emotions cause confusion and cover up clear thinking.  Your brain links the trigger you are exposed to with the trauma you have actually experienced. So when you feel fear today, you are reminded of your fear from the past.  When you feel sadness today, you are reminded of sadness from the past.  When you feel confusion today, you are reminded of confusion from the past.  These links then drive the thoughts.  Your thinking turns from “that must have been so scary for them” to “I am so scared he will come back”.  Your brain is tricking you.  It might be one of the things about our brain that is “faulty”.  Our brain is an amazing organ and every day it does amazing things.  But when triggered as a result of trauma, it fails us.

Cluster b’s love to keep you out of the present moment.  In your relationship with the cluster b your mind spent many moments outside of the present.  When you were not present, he was in control.  It might have been after a gaslight when he touched you on the arm and your mind when back to the first time he touched you.  It could have been after discovering a text from another woman and he yelled at you for being jealous and not trusting him.  Your mind when back to the first time he ever yelled.  It may have been after he was late for the kids school performance and he brought flowers and a lie.  Your mind went back to the time before when he brought you flowers and a lie.  Each time he took you back, he re-hooked you.  That’s because your mind went back and before you could respond, your emotions had resolved back to peace or calm.  The event was over.  The fear, anger or confusion was over.  You stayed.

Your task is to stay present in recovery.  When you are touched by tragedy after a trauma your task is to stay present.  At any given point in time, you must remind yourself that you are safe and not at risk.  This is mindfulness.  Mindfulness is staying actively focused on the present moment.  It is a skill that is crucial to recovery from a pathological love relationship and it is especially important in getting through triggers related to national tragedies.  You cannot control the outside world but you can control your world.  Take some time for yourself.  Take some time to focus on your environment, whether it be turning off the TV, spending quiet time at home or getting outside to spend time in nature.  Recovery is a process and your healing depends on how well you move through it.  Each day, each week, each year is an opportunity for you to heal-to do better and be better. 

My hope for you is peace this year.  And I hope that when peace is disrupted you face it mindfully.