On Friday, December 14, 2012 America was touched by tragedy
again. In Newtown, Connecticut 27 adults
and children lost their lives and all of their family and friends felt the
ripple of fear, anger, loss, and grief.
This type of tragedy unfortunately is not unusual in our society. Across the country there have been countless
mass shootings in the last several decades from Seattle, to Aurora, to
Jonesboro and Fort Hood. These shootings
don’t even begin to complete the list of national tragedies. Each day in America we are touched by other
tragedies- a catastrophic weather event like Sandy, forest fires like those in
Colorado, California earthquakes, or the loss of military service personnel.
So what do all of these events have in common with a
pathological love relationship? They all
elicit a potential trauma reaction in you.
Being touched by tragedy is more than just a little sadness or empathy
if you are suffering from the symptoms of PTSD.
When you are exposed to national tragedies your brain registers the
event as real, vivid, and live. Your
unconscious brain has a hard time distinguishing what is happening now and what
has happened in the past. When this
happens, any event can seem like it is happening to you now. You begin to sweat, your heart beats fast and
your breathing pattern changes. Your
mind flies into survival mode and you may even feel the need to isolate as a
measure of protection from harm.
Beyond the physical symptoms are the thoughts that begin to
swirl around. When you are traumatized
or triggered, your brain is flooded by emotions and so often these emotions
cause confusion and cover up clear thinking.
Your brain links the trigger you are exposed to with the trauma you have
actually experienced. So when you feel fear today, you are reminded of your
fear from the past. When you feel
sadness today, you are reminded of sadness from the past. When you feel confusion today, you are
reminded of confusion from the past.
These links then drive the thoughts.
Your thinking turns from “that must have been so scary for them” to “I
am so scared he will come back”. Your
brain is tricking you. It might be one
of the things about our brain that is “faulty”.
Our brain is an amazing organ and every day it does amazing things. But when triggered as a result of trauma, it
fails us.
Cluster b’s love to keep you out of the present moment. In your relationship with the cluster b your
mind spent many moments outside of the present.
When you were not present, he was in control. It might have been after a gaslight when he
touched you on the arm and your mind when back to the first time he touched
you. It could have been after
discovering a text from another woman and he yelled at you for being jealous
and not trusting him. Your mind when
back to the first time he ever yelled.
It may have been after he was late for the kids school performance and
he brought flowers and a lie. Your mind
went back to the time before when he brought you flowers and a lie. Each time he took you back, he re-hooked
you. That’s because your mind went back
and before you could respond, your emotions had resolved back to peace or
calm. The event was over. The fear, anger or confusion was over. You stayed.
Your task is to stay present in recovery. When you are touched by tragedy after a
trauma your task is to stay present. At
any given point in time, you must remind yourself that you are safe and not at
risk. This is mindfulness. Mindfulness is staying actively focused on
the present moment. It is a skill that
is crucial to recovery from a pathological love relationship and it is
especially important in getting through triggers related to national
tragedies. You cannot control the
outside world but you can control your world.
Take some time for yourself. Take
some time to focus on your environment, whether it be turning off the TV,
spending quiet time at home or getting outside to spend time in nature. Recovery is a process and your healing
depends on how well you move through it.
Each day, each week, each year is an opportunity for you to heal-to do
better and be better.
My hope for you is peace this year. And I hope that when peace is disrupted you face it mindfully.
