Many of us have grown up with some level of guilt and shame. It is a part of what parents do to help us make good choices, right. But in some cases it is brought on by trauma. Something scary and frightening that we did not expect. Something that took us by surprise and we are have a hard time working through. Well, it is important to understand these two important emotional states. If you can separate them you can gain a clearer understanding.
Guilt and shame are not the same thing. Guilt is generated by something outside of us or by something we do to someone else. It is the bad feeling brought on by an action, a mistake, something outside of your self. Guilt can be helpful because it can tell us if we have wronged someone or need to make amends. Guilt will motivate us to seek forgiveness. Can you forgive yourself for your past mistakes? What positive behaviors can you engage in that will help you move past feelings of guilt?
Shame is the internalized feeling-the belief that you are the mistake and you cannot change it. Shame means you feel bad about who you are. These feelings of shame do not come to everyone. There are people who commit acts that they may feel bad about or they consider mistakes, but they do not feel shame. However, others feel shame. Shame is based in our own sense of self worth. It is based in the facts we believe about our self that we are no good and not worthy. It comes from being treated in a degrading manner and believing that is how we should be treated. As a child, we may not know that these feelings are developing. They may develop and become part of who we are because we never knew any differently.
So here are some beliefs you may have internalized. You can change your beliefs by changing your thoughts. Try making the change....
Shameful beliefs...Healthy Beliefs:
I cannot take risk…I can take risks
I am not allowed to be seen or heard...I want to be seen and heard
I am invisible….I am important
To avoid disapproval, I do things I don't want to do…I will do the things I want to do
I am not allowed to ask for what I need…I will ask for what I need
I am inferior to others...I am equal to everyone and my differences make me unique
I must treat myself negatively because I am bad...I am good and I make mistakes
My beliefs about myself are all negative...I believe that I can change my beliefs
I must be perfect...I am not perfect
I am disappointment to...I always seek to be my personal best
My interests, choices and wants are not of value to others...I am of value to those around me
If something goes wrong in my world, it is my fault...I make mistakes but I am not my mistake
I constantly look for ways to prove I am to blame for...I accept responsibility and then forgive myself
For more information about forgiving yourself, check out my previous post on forgiveness.
For more information about overcoming guilt and shame, check out the PTSD Workbook
Williams, M.B., Poijula, S. The PTSD Workbook: Simple Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symtoms. New Harbinger Publications. 2002
